CHAPTER XXXIV
"LOVE NEVER FAILETH"
Garth was standing at the open window, when Nurse Rosemary re-
entered the library; and he did not turn, immediately.
She looked anxiously for the letter, and saw it laid ready on her
side of the table. It bore signs of having been much crumpled;
looking almost as a letter might appear which had been crushed into
a ball, flung into the waste-paper basket, and afterwards retrieved.
It had, however, been carefully smoothed out; and lay ready to her
hand.
When Garth turned from the window and passed to his chair, his face
bore the signs of a great struggle. He looked as one who, sightless,
has yet been making frantic efforts to see. The ivory pallor was
gone. His face was flushed; and his thick hair, which grew in
beautiful curves low upon his forehead and temples, and was usually
carefully brushed back in short-cropped neatness, was now ruffled
and disordered. But his voice was completely under control, as he
turned towards his secretary.
"My dear Miss Gray," he said, "we have a difficult task before us. I
have received a letter, which it is essential I should hear. I am
obliged to ask you to read it to me, because there is absolutely no
one else to whom I can prefer such a request. I cannot but know that
it will be a difficult and painful task for you, feeling yourself an
intermediary between two wounded and sundered hearts. May I make it
easier, my dear little girl, by assuring you that I know of no one
in this world from whose lips I could listen to the contents of that
letter with less pain; and, failing my own, there are no eyes
beneath which I could less grudgingly let it pass, there is no mind
I could so unquestioningly trust, to judge kindly, both of myself
and of the writer; and to forget faithfully, all which was not
intended to come within the knowledge of a third person."
"Thank you, Mr. Dalmain," said Nurse Rosemary.
Garth leaned back in his chair, shielding his face with his hand.
"Now, if you please," he said. And, very clearly and quietly, Nurse
Rosemary began to read.
"DEAR GARTH, As you will not let me come to you, so that I could
say, between you and me alone, that which must be said, I am
compelled to write it. It is your own fault, Dal; and we both pay
the penalty. For how can I write to you freely when I know, that as
you listen, it will seem to you of every word I am writing, that I
am dragging a third person into that which ought to be, most
sacredly, between you and me alone. And yet, I must write freely;
and I must make you fully understand; because the whole of your
future life and mine will depend upon your reply to this letter. I
must write as if you were able to hold the letter in your own hands,
and read it to yourself. Therefore, if you cannot completely trust
your secretary, with the private history of your heart and mine, bid
her give it you back without turning this first page; and let me
come myself, Garth, and tell you all the rest."
"That is the bottom of the page," said Nurse Rosemary; and waited.
Garth did not remove his hand. "I do completely trust; and she must
not come," he said.
Nurse Rosemary turned the page, and went on reading.
"I want you to remember, Garth, that every word I write, is the
simple unvarnished truth. If you look back over your remembrance of
me, you will admit that I am not naturally an untruthful person, nor
did I ever take easily to prevarication. But, Garth, I told you one
lie; and that fatal exception proves the rule of perfect
truthfulness, which has always otherwise held, between you and me;
and, please God, always will hold. The confession herein contained,
concerns that one lie; and I need not ask you to realise how
humbling it is to my pride to have to force the hearing of a
confession upon the man who has already refused to admit me to a
visit of friendship. You will remember that I am not naturally
humble; and have a considerable amount of proper pride; and,
perhaps, by the greatness of the effort I have had to make, you will
be able to gauge the greatness of my love. God help you to do so--my
darling; my beloved; my poor desolate boy!"
Nurse Rosemary stopped abruptly; for, at this sudden mention of
love, and at these words of unexpected tenderness from Jane, Garth
had risen to his feet, and taken two steps towards the window; as if
to escape from something too immense to be faced. But, in a moment
he recovered himself, and sat down again, completely hiding his face
with his hand.
Nurse Rosemary resumed the reading of the letter.
"Ah, what a wrong I have done, both to you, and to myself! Dear, you
remember the evening on the terrace at Shenstone, when you asked me
to be--when you called me--when I WAS--YOUR WIFE? Garth, I leave
this last sentence as it stands, with its two attempts to reach the
truth. I will not cross them out, but leave them to be read to you;
for, you see Garth, I finally arrived! I WAS your wife. I did not
understand it then. I was intensely surprised; unbelievably
inexperienced in matters of feeling; and bewildered by the flood of
sensation which swept me off my feet and almost engulfed me. But
even then I knew that my soul arose and proclaimed you mate and
master. And when you held me, and your dear head lay upon my heart,
I knew, for the first time the meaning of the word ecstasy; and I
could have asked no kinder gift of heaven, than to prolong those
moments into hours."
Nurse Rosemary's quiet voice broke, suddenly; and the reading
ceased.
Garth was leaning forward, his head buried in his hands. A dry sob
rose in his throat, just at the very moment when Nurse Rosemary's
voice gave way.
Garth recovered first. Without lifting his head, with a gesture of
protective affection and sympathy, he stretched his hand across the
table.
"Poor little girl," he said, "I am so sorry. It is rough on you. If
only it had come when Brand was here! I am afraid you MUST go on;
but try to read without realising. Leave the realising to me."
And Nurse Rosemary read on.
"When you lifted your head in the moonlight and gazed long and
earnestly at me--Ah, those dear eyes!--your look suddenly made me
self-conscious. There swept over me a sense of my own exceeding
plainness, and of how little there was in what those dear eyes saw,
to provide reason, for that adoring look. Overwhelmed with a shy
shame I pressed your head back to the place where the eyes would be
hidden; and I realise now what a different construction you must
have put upon that action. Garth, I assure you, that when you lifted
your head the second time, and said, 'My wife,' it was the first
suggestion to my mind that this wonderful thing which was happening
meant--marriage. I know it must seem almost incredible, and more
like a child of eighteen, than a woman of thirty. But you must
remember, all my dealings with men up to that hour had been
handshakes, heartiest comradeship, and an occasional clap on the
shoulder given and received. And don't forget, dear King of my
heart, that, until one short week before, you had been amongst the
boys who called me 'good old Jane,' and addressed me in intimate
conversation as 'my dear fellow'! Don't forget that I had always
looked upon you as YEARS younger than myself; and though a strangely
sweet tie had grown up between us, since the evening of the concert
at Overdene, I had never realised it as love. Well--you will
remember how I asked for twelve hours to consider my answer; and you
yielded, immediately; (you were so perfect, all the time, Garth) and
left me, when I asked to be alone; left me, with a gesture I have
never forgotten. It was a revelation of the way in which the love of
a man such as you exalts the woman upon whom it is outpoured. The
hem of that gown has been a sacred thing to me, ever since. It is
always with me, though I never wear it.--A detailed account of the
hours which followed, I shall hope to give you some day, my dearest.
I cannot write it. Let me hurl on to paper, in all its crude
ugliness, the miserable fact which parted us; turning our dawning
joy to disillusion and sadness. Garth--it was this. I did not
believe your love would stand the test of my plainness. I knew what
a worshipper of beauty you were; how you must have it, in one form
or another, always around you. I got out my diary in which I had
recorded verbatim our conversation about the ugly preacher, whose
face became illumined into beauty, by the inspired glory within. And
you added that you never thought him ugly again; but he would always
be plain. And you said it was not the sort of face one would want to
have always before one at meals; but that you were not called upon
to undergo that discipline, which would be sheer martyrdom to you."
"I was so interested, at the time; and so amused at the unconscious
way in which you stood and explained this, to quite the plainest
woman of your acquaintance, that I recorded it very fully in my
journal.--Alas! On that important night, I read the words, over and
over, until they took morbid hold upon my brain. Then--such is the
self-consciousness awakened in a woman by the fact that she is loved
and sought--I turned on all the lights around my mirror, and
critically and carefully examined the face you would have to see
every day behind your coffee-pot at breakfast, for years and years,
if I said 'Yes,' on the morrow. Darling, I did not see myself
through your eyes, as, thank God, I have done since. And I DID NOT
TRUST YOUR LOVE TO STAND THE TEST. It seemed to me, I was saving
both of us from future disappointment and misery, by bravely putting
away present joy, in order to avoid certain disenchantment. My
beloved, it will seem to you so coolly calculating, and so mean; so
unworthy of the great love you were even then lavishing upon me. But
remember, for years, your remarkable personal grace and beauty had
been a source of pleasure to me; and I had pictured you wedded to
Pauline Lister, for instance, in her dazzling whiteness, and soft
radiant youth. So my morbid self-consciousness said: 'What! This
young Apollo, tied to my ponderous plainness; growing handsomer
every year, while I grow older and plainer?' Ah, darling! It sounds
so unworthy, now we know what our love is. But it sounded sensible
and right that night; and at last, with a bosom that ached, and arms
that hung heavy at the thought of being emptied of all that joy, I
made up my mind to say 'no.' Ah, believe me, I had no idea what it
already meant to you. I thought you would pass on at once to another
fancy; and transfer your love to one more able to meet your needs,
at every point. Honestly, Garth, I thought I should be the only one
left desolate.--Then came the question: how to refuse you. I knew if
I gave the true reason, you would argue it away, and prove me wrong,
with glowing words, before which I should perforce yield. So--as I
really meant not to let you run the risk, and not to run it myself--
I lied to you, my beloved. To you, whom my whole being acclaimed
King of my heart, Master of my will; supreme to me, in love and
life,--to YOU I said: 'I cannot marry a mere boy.' Ah, darling! I do
not excuse it. I do not defend it. I merely confess it; trusting to
your generosity to admit, that no other answer would have sent you
away. Ah, your poor Jane, left desolate! If you could have seen her
in the little church, calling you back; retracting and promising;
listening for your returning footsteps, in an agony of longing. But
my Garth is not made of the stuff which stands waiting on the door-
mat of a woman's indecision."
"The lonely year which followed so broke my nerve, that Deryck Brand
told me I was going all to pieces, and ordered me abroad. I went, as
you know; and in other, and more vigorous, surroundings, there came
to me a saner view of life. In Egypt last March, on the summit of
the Great Pyramid, I made up my mind that I could live without you
no longer. I did not see myself wrong; but I yearned so for your
love, and to pour mine upon you, my beloved, that I concluded it was
worth the risk. I made up my mind to take the next boat home, and
send for you. Then--oh, my own boy--I heard. I wrote to you; and you
would not let me come."
"Now I know perfectly well, that you might say: 'She did not trust
me when I had my sight. Now that I cannot see, she is no longer
afraid.' Garth, you might, say that; but it would not be true. I
have had ample proof lately that I was wrong, and ought to have
trusted you all through. What it is, I will tell you later. All I
can say now is: that, if your dear shining eyes could see, they
would see, NOW, a woman who is, trustfully and unquestioningly, all
your own. If she is doubtful of her face and figure, she says quite
simply: 'They pleased HIM; and they are just HIS. I have no further
right to criticise them. If he wants them, they are not mine, but
his.' Darling, I cannot tell you now, how I have arrived at this
assurance. But I have had proofs beyond words of your faithfulness
and love."
"The question, therefore, simply resolves itself into this: Can you
forgive me? If you can forgive me, I can come to you at once. If
this thing is past forgiveness, I must make up my mind to stay away.
But, oh, my own Dear,--the bosom on which once you laid your head
waits for you with the longing ache of lonely years. If you need it,
do not thrust it from you."
"Write me one word by your own hand: 'Forgiven.' It is all I ask.
When it reaches me, I will come to you at once. Do not dictate a
letter to your secretary. I could not bear it. Just write--if you
can truly write it--'FORGIVEN'; and send it to 'Your Wife.'"
The room was very still, as Nurse Rosemary finished reading; and,
laying down the letter, silently waited. She wondered for a moment
whether she could get herself a glass of water, without disturbing
him; but decided to do without it.
At last Garth lifted his head.
"She has asked me to do a thing impossible," he said; and a slow
smile illumined his drawn face.
Jane clasped her hands upon her breast.
"CAN you not write 'forgiven'?" asked Nurse Rosemary, brokenly.
"No," said Garth. "I cannot. Little girl, give me a sheet of paper,
and a pencil."
Nurse Rosemary placed them close to his hand.
Garth took up the pencil. He groped for the paper; felt the edges
with his left hand; found the centre with his fingers; and, in large
firm letters, wrote one word.
"Is that legible?" he asked, passing it across to Nurse Rosemary.
"Quite legible," she said; for she answered before it was blotted by
her tears.
Instead of "forgiven," Garth had written: "LOVED."
"Can you post it at once?" Garth asked, in a low, eager voice. "And
she will come--oh, my God, she will come! If we catch to-night's
mail, she may be here the day after to-morrow!"
Nurse Rosemary took up the letter; and, by an almost superhuman
effort, spoke steadily.
"Mr. Dalmain," she said; "there is a postscript to this letter. It
says: 'Write to The Palace Hotel, Aberdeen.'"
Garth sprang up, his whole face and figure alive with excitement.
"In Aberdeen?" he cried. "Jane, in Aberdeen! Oh, my God! If she gets
this paper to-morrow morning, she may be here any time in the day.
Jane! Jane! Dear little Rosemary, do you hear? Jane will come to-
morrow! Didn't I tell you something was going to happen? You and
Simpson were too British to understand; but Margery knew; and the
woods told us it was Joy coming through Pain. Could that be posted
at once, Miss Gray?"
The May-Day mood was upon him again. His face shone. His figure was
electric with expectation. Nurse Rosemary sat at the table watching
him; her chin in her hands. A tender smile dawned on her lips, out
of keeping with her supposed face and figure; so full was it of the
glorious expectation of a mature and perfect love.
"I will go to the post-office myself, Mr. Dalmain," she said. "I
shall be glad of the walk; and I can be back by tea-time."
At the post-office she did not post the word in Garth's handwriting.
That lay hidden in her bosom. But she sent off two telegrams. The
first to
The Duchess of Meldyum,
Palace Hotel, Aberdeen.
"Come here by 5.50 train without fail this evening."
The second to
Sir Deryck Brand,
Wimpole Sheet, London.
"All is right."
