_Chapter 21_
The tall white yachts in a throng were lounging off the roads of Ryde.
It was near the regatta time, so these proud creatures had flown loftily
together, and now flitted hither and thither among themselves, like a
concourse of tall women, footing the waves with superb touch. To
Siegmund they were very beautiful, but removed from him, as dancers
crossing the window-lights are removed from the man who looks up from
the street. He saw the Solent and the world of glamour flying gay as
snow outside, where inside was only Siegmund, tired, dispirited,
without any joy.
He and Helena had climbed among coils of rope on to the prow of their
steamer, so they could catch a little spray of speed on their faces to
stimulate them. The sea was very bright and crowded. White sails leaned
slightly and filed along the roads; two yachts with sails of amber
floated, it seemed, without motion, amid the eclipsed blue of the day;
small boats with red and yellow flags fluttered quickly, trailing the
sea with colour; a pleasure steamer coming from Cowes swung her soft
stout way among the fleeting ships; high in the background were
men-of-war, a long line, each one threading tiny triangles of flags
through a sky dim with distance.
'It is all very glad,' said Siegmund to himself, 'but it seems to be
fanciful.'
He was out of it. Already he felt detached from life. He belonged to his
destination. It is always so: we have no share in the beauty that lies
between us and our goal.
Helena watched with poignant sorrow all the agitation of colour on the
blue afternoon.
'We must leave it; we must pass out of it,' she lamented, over and over
again. Each new charm she caught eagerly.
'I like the steady purpose of that brown-sailed tramp,' she said to
herself, watching a laden coaster making for Portsmouth.
They were still among the small shipping of Ryde. Siegmund and Helena,
as they looked out, became aware of a small motor-launch heading across
their course towards a yacht whose tall masts were drawn clean on the
sky. The eager launch, its nose up as if to breathe, was racing over the
swell like a coursing dog. A lady, in white, and a lad with dark head
and white jersey were leaning in the bows; a gentleman was bending over
some machinery in the middle of the boat, while the sailor in the low
stern was also stooping forward attending to something. The steamer was
sweeping onwards, huge above the water; the dog of a boat was coursing
straight across her track. The lady saw the danger first. Stretching
forward, she seized the arm of the lad and held him firm, making no
sound, but watching the forward menace of the looming steamer.
'Look!' cried Helena, catching hold of Siegmund. He was already
watching. Suddenly the steamer bell clanged. The gentleman looked up,
with startled, sunburned face; then he leaped to the stern. The launch
veered. It and the steamer closed together like a pair of scissors. The
lady, still holding the boy, looked up with an expressionless face at
the high sweeping chisel of the steamer's bows; the husband stood rigid,
staring ahead. No sound was to be heard save the rustling of water under
the bows. The scissors closed, the launch skelped forward like a dog
from in front of the traffic. It escaped by a yard or two. Then, like a
dog, it seemed to look round. The gentleman in the stern glanced back
quickly. He was a handsome, dark-haired man with dark eyes. His face was
as if carven out of oak, set and grey-brown. Then he looked to the
steering of his boat. No one had uttered a sound. From the tiny boat
coursing low on the water, not a sound, only tense waiting. The launch
raced out of danger towards the yacht. The gentleman, with a brief
gesture, put his man in charge again, whilst he himself went forward to
the lady. He was a handsome man, very proud in his movements; and she,
in her bearing, was prouder still. She received him almost with
indifference.
Helena turned to Siegmund. He took both her hands and pressed them,
whilst she looked at him with eyes blind with emotion. She was white to
the lips, and heaving like the buoy in the wake of the steamer. The
noise of life had suddenly been hushed, and each heart had heard for a
moment the noiselessness of death. How everyone was white and gasping!
They strove, on every hand, to fill the day with noise and the colour of
life again.
'By Jove, that was a near thing!'
'Ah, that has made me feel bad!' said a woman.
'A French yacht,' said somebody.
Helena was waiting for the voice of Siegmund. But he did not know what
to say. Confused, he repeated:
'That was a close shave.'
Helena clung to him, searching his face. She felt his difference from
herself. There was something in his experience that made him different,
quiet, with a peculiar expression as if he were pained.
'Ah, dear Lord!' he was saying to himself. 'How bright and whole the day
is for them! If God had suddenly put His hand over the sun, and
swallowed us up in a shadow, they could not have been more startled.
That man, with his fine, white-flannelled limbs and his dark head, has
no suspicion of the shadow that supports it all. Between the blueness of
the sea and the sky he passes easy as a gull, close to the fine white
seamew of his mate, amid red flowers of flags, and soft birds of ships,
and slow-moving monsters of steamboats.
'For me the day is transparent and shrivelling. I can see the darkness
through its petals. But for him it is a fresh bell-flower, in which he
fumbles with delights like a bee.
'For me, quivering in the interspaces of the atmosphere, is the darkness
the same that fills in my soul. I can see death urging itself into life,
the shadow supporting the substance. For my life is burning an invisible
flame. The glare of the light of myself, as I burn on the fuel of death,
is not enough to hide from me the source and the issue. For what is a
life but a flame that bursts off the surface of darkness, and tapers
into the darkness again? But the death that issues differs from the
death that was the source. At least, I shall enrich death with a potent
shadow, if I do not enrich life.'
'Wasn't that woman fine!' said Helena.
'So perfectly still,' he answered.
'The child realized nothing,' she said.
Siegmund laughed, then leaned forward impulsively to her.
'I am always so sorry,' he said, 'that the human race is urged
inevitably into a deeper and deeper realization of life.'
She looked at him, wondering what provoked such a remark.
'I guess,' she said slowly, after a while, 'that the man, the sailor,
will have a bad time. He was abominably careless.'
'He was careful of something else just then,' said Siegmund, who hated
to hear her speak in cold condemnation. 'He was attending to the
machinery or something.'
'That was scarcely his first business,' said she, rather sarcastic.
Siegmund looked at her. She seemed very hard in judgement--very blind.
Sometimes his soul surged against her in hatred.
'Do you think the man _wanted_ to drown the boat?' he asked.
'He nearly succeeded,' she replied.
There was antagonism between them. Siegmund recognized in Helena the
world sitting in judgement, and he hated it. 'But, after all,' he
thought, I suppose it is the only way to get along, to judge the event
and not the person. I have a disease of sympathy, a vice of
exoneration.'
Nevertheless, he did not love Helena as a judge. He thought rather of
the woman in the boat. She was evidently one who watched the sources of
life, saw it great and impersonal.
'Would the woman cry, or hug and kiss the boy when she got on board?' he
asked.
'I rather think not. Why?' she replied.
'I hope she didn't,' he said.
Helena sat watching the water spurt back from the bows. She was very
much in love with Siegmund. He was suggestive; he stimulated her. But to
her mind he had not her own dark eyes of hesitation; he was swift and
proud as the wind. She never realized his helplessness.
Siegmund was gathering strength from the thought of that other woman's
courage. If she had so much restraint as not to cry out, or alarm the
boy, if she had so much grace not to complain to her husband, surely he
himself might refrain from revealing his own fear of Helena, and from
lamenting his hard fate.
They sailed on past the chequered round towers. The sea opened, and they
looked out to eastward into the sea-space. Siegmund wanted to flee. He
yearned to escape down the open ways before him. Yet he knew he would be
carried on to London. He watched the sea-ways closing up. The shore came
round. The high old houses stood flat on the right hand. The shore swept
round in a sickle, reaping them into the harbour. There the old
_Victory_, gay with myriad pointed pennons, was harvested, saved for
a trophy.
'It is a dreadful thing,' thought Siegmund, 'to remain as a trophy when
there is nothing more to do.' He watched the landing-stages swooping
nearer. There were the trains drawn up in readiness. At the other end of
the train was London.
He could scarcely bear to have Helena before him for another two hours.
The suspense of that protracted farewell, while he sat opposite her in
the beating train, would cost too much. He longed to be released
from her.
They had got their luggage, and were standing at the foot of the ladder,
in the heat of the engines and the smell of hot oil, waiting for the
crowd to pass on, so that they might ascend and step off the ship on to
the mainland.
'Won't you let me go by the South-Western, and you by the Brighton?'
asked Siegmund, hesitating, repeating the morning's question.
Helena looked at him, knitting her brows with misgiving and perplexity.
'No,' she replied. 'Let us go together.'
Siegmund followed her up the iron ladder to the quay.
There was no great crowd on the train. They easily found a second-class
compartment without occupants. He swung the luggage on the rack and sat
down, facing Helena.
'Now,' said he to himself, 'I wish I were alone.'
He wanted to think and prepare himself.
Helena, who was thinking actively, leaned forward to him to say:
'Shall I not go down to Cornwall?'
By her soothing willingness to do anything for him, Siegmund knew that
she was dogging him closely. He could not bear to have his anxiety
protracted.
'But you have promised Louisa, have you not?' he replied.
'Oh, well!' she said, in the peculiar slighting tone she had when she
wished to convey the unimportance of affairs not touching him.
'Then you must go,' he said.
'But,' she began, with harsh petulance, 'I do not want to go down to
Cornwall with _Louisa and Olive_'--she accentuated the two names--'after
_this_,' she added.
'Then Louisa will have no holiday--and you have promised,' he said
gravely.
Helena looked at him. She saw he had decided that she should go.
'Is my promise so _very_ important?' she asked. She glanced angrily at
the three ladies who were hesitating in the doorway. Nevertheless, the
ladies entered, and seated themselves at the opposite end of the
carriage. Siegmund did not know whether he were displeased or relieved
by their intrusion. If they had stayed out, he might have held Helena in
his arms for still another hour. As it was, she could not harass him
with words. He tried not to look at her, but to think.
The train at last moved out of the station. As it passed through
Portsmouth, Siegmund remembered his coming down, on the Sunday. It
seemed an indefinite age ago. He was thankful that he sat on the side of
the carriage opposite from the one he had occupied five days before. The
afternoon of the flawless sky was ripening into evening. The chimneys
and the sides of the houses of Portsmouth took on that radiant
appearance which transfigures the end of day in town. A rich bloom of
light appears on the surfaces of brick and stone.
'It will go on,' thought Siegmund, 'being gay of an evening, for ever.
And I shall miss it all!'
But as soon as the train moved into the gloom of the Town station, he
began again:
'Beatrice will be proud, and silent as steel when I get home. She will
say nothing, thank God--nor shall I. That will expedite matters: there
will be no interruptions....
'But we cannot continue together after this. Why should I discuss
reasons for and against? We cannot. She goes to a cottage in the
country. Already I have spoken of it to her. I allow her all I can of my
money, and on the rest I manage for myself in lodgings in London.
Very good.
'But when I am comparatively free I cannot live alone. I shall want
Helena; I shall remember the children. If I have the one, I shall be
damned by the thought of the other. This bruise on my mind will never
get better. Helena says she would never come to me; but she would, out
of pity for me. I know she would.
'But then, what then? Beatrice and the children in the country, and me
not looking after the children. Beatrice is thriftless. She would be in
endless difficulty. It would be a degradation to me. She would keep a
red sore inflamed against me; I should be a shameful thing in her mouth.
Besides, there would go all her strength. She would not make any
efforts. "He has brought it on us," she would say; "let him see what the
result is." And things would go from bad to worse with them. It would be
a gangrene of shame.
'And Helena--I should have nothing but mortification. When she was
asleep I could not look at her. She is such a strange, incongruous
creature. But I should be responsible for her. She believes in me as if
I had the power of God. What should I think of myself?'
Siegmund leaned with his head against the window, watching the country
whirl past, but seeing nothing. He thought imaginatively, and his
imagination destroyed him. He pictured Beatrice in the country. He
sketched the morning--breakfast haphazard at a late hour; the elder
children rushing off without food, miserable and untidy, the youngest
bewildered under her swift, indifferent preparations for school. He
thought of Beatrice in the evening, worried and irritable, her bills
unpaid, the work undone, declaiming lamentably against the cruelty of
her husband, who had abandoned her to such a burden of care while he
took his pleasure elsewhere.
This line exhausted or intolerable, Siegmund switched off to the
consideration of his own life in town. He would go to America; the
agreement was signed with the theatre manager. But America would be only
a brief shutting of the eyes and closing of the mouth. He would wait for
the home-coming to Helena, and she would wait for him. It was
inevitable; then would begin--what? He would never have enough money to
keep Helena, even if he managed to keep himself. Their meetings would
then be occasional and clandestine. Ah, it was intolerable!
'If I were rich,' said Siegmund, 'all would be plain. I would give each
of my children enough, and Beatrice, and we would go away; but I am
nearly forty; I have no genius; I shall never be rich,' Round and round
went his thoughts like oxen over a threshing floor, treading out the
grain. Gradually the chaff flew away; gradually the corn of conviction
gathered small and hard upon the floor.
As he sat thinking, Helena leaned across to him and laid her hand on his
knee.
'If I have made things more difficult,' she said, her voice harsh with
pain, 'you will forgive me.'
He started. This was one of the cruel cuts of pain that love gives,
filling the eyes with blood. Siegmund stiffened himself; slowly he
smiled, as he looked at her childish, plaintive lips, and her large eyes
haunted with pain.
'Forgive you?' he repeated. 'Forgive you for five days of perfect
happiness; the only real happiness I have ever known!'
Helena tightened her fingers on his knee. She felt herself stinging with
painful joy; but one of the ladies was looking her curiously. She leaned
back in her place, and turned to watch at the shocks of corn strike
swiftly, in long rows, across her vision.
Siegmund, also quivering, turned his face to the window, where the
rotation of the wide sea-flat helped the movement of his thought. Helena
had interrupted him. She had bewildered his thoughts from their hawking,
so that they struck here and there, wildly, among small, pitiful prey
that was useless, conclusions which only hindered the bringing home of
the final convictions.
'What will she do?' cried Siegmund, 'What will she do when I am gone?
What will become of her? Already she has no aim in life; then she will
have no object. Is it any good my going if I leave her behind? What an
inextricable knot this is! But what will she do?'
It was a question she had aroused before, a question which he could
never answer; indeed, it was not for him to answer.
They wound through the pass of the South Downs. As Siegmund, looking
backward, saw the northern slope of the downs swooping smoothly, in a
great, broad bosom of sward, down to the body of the land, he warmed
with sudden love for the earth; there the great downs were, naked like a
breast, leaning kindly to him. The earth is always kind; it loves us,
and would foster us like a nurse. The downs were big and tender and
simple. Siegmund looked at the farm, folded in a hollow, and he wondered
what fortunate folk were there, nourished and quiet, hearing the vague
roar of the train that was carrying him home.
Up towards Arundel the cornfields of red wheat were heavy with gold. It
was evening, when the green of the trees went out, leaving dark shapes
proud upon the sky; but the red wheat was forged in the sunset, hot and
magnificent. Siegmund almost gloated as he smelled the ripe corn, and
opened his eyes to its powerful radiation. For a moment he forgot
everything, amid the forging of red fields of gold in the smithy of the
sunset. Like sparks, poppies blew along the railway-banks, a crimson
train. Siegmund waited, through the meadows, for the next wheat-field.
It came like the lifting of yellow-hot metal out of the gloom of
darkened grass-lands.
Helena was reassured by the glamour of evening over ripe Sussex. She
breathed the land now and then, while she watched the sky. The sunset
was stately. The blue-eyed day, with great limbs, having fought its
victory and won, now mounted triumphant on its pyre, and with white arms
uplifted took the flames, which leaped like blood about its feet. The
day died nobly, so she thought.
One gold cloud, as an encouragement tossed to her, followed the train.
'Surely that cloud is for us,' said she, as she watched it anxiously.
Dark trees brushed between it and her, while she waited in suspense. It
came, unswerving, from behind the trees.
'I am sure it is for us,' she repeated. A gladness came into her eyes.
Still the cloud followed the train. She leaned forward to Siegmund and
pointed out the cloud to him. She was very eager to give him a little of
her faith.
'It has come with us quite a long way. Doesn't it seem to you to be
travelling with us? It is the golden hand; it is the good omen.'
She then proceeded to tell him the legend from 'Aylwin'.
Siegmund listened, and smiled. The sunset was handsome on his face.
Helena was almost happy.
'I am right,' said he to himself. I am right in my conclusions, and
Helena will manage by herself afterwards. I am right; there is the hand
to confirm it.'
The heavy train settled down to an easy, unbroken stroke, swinging like
a greyhound over the level northwards. All the time Siegmund was
mechanically thinking the well-known movement from the Valkyrie Ride,
his whole self beating to the rhythm. It seemed to him there was a
certain grandeur in this flight, but it hurt him with its heavy
insistence of catastrophe. He was afraid; he had to summon his courage
to sit quiet. For a time he was reassured; he believed he was going on
towards the right end. He hunted through the country and the sky, asking
of everything, 'Am I right? Am I right?' He did not mind what happened
to him, so long as he felt it was right. What he meant by 'right' he did
not trouble to think, but the question remained. For a time he had been
reassured; then a dullness came over him, when his thoughts were stupid,
and he merely submitted to the rhythm of the train, which stamped him
deeper and deeper with a brand of catastrophe.
The sun had gone down. Over the west was a gush of brightness as the
fountain of light bubbled lower. The stars, like specks of froth from
the foaming of the day, clung to the blue ceiling. Like spiders they
hung overhead, while the hosts of the gold atmosphere poured out of the
hive by the western low door. Soon the hive was empty, a hollow dome of
purple, with here and there on the floor a bright brushing of wings--a
village; then, overhead, the luminous star-spider began to run.
'Ah, well!' thought Siegmund--he was tired--'if one bee dies in a swarm,
what is it, so long as the hive is all right? Apart from the gold light,
and the hum and the colour of day, what was I? Nothing! Apart from these
rushings out of the hive, along with swarm, into the dark meadows of
night, gathering God knows what, I was a pebble. Well, the day will
swarm in golden again, with colour on the wings of every bee, and
humming in each activity. The gold and the colour and sweet smell and
the sound of life, they exist, even if there is no bee; it only happens
we see the iridescence on the wings of a bee. It exists whether or not,
bee or no bee. Since the iridescence and the humming of life _are_
always, and since it was they who made me, then I am not lost. At least,
I do not care. If the spark goes out, the essence of the fire is there
in the darkness. What does it matter? Besides, I _have_ burned bright; I
have laid up a fine cell of honey somewhere--I wonder where? We can
never point to it; but it _is_ so--what does it matter, then!'
They had entered the north downs, and were running through Dorking
towards Leatherhead. Box Hill stood dark in the dusky sweetness of the
night. Helena remembered that here she and Siegmund had come for their
first walk together. She would like to come again. Presently she saw the
quick stilettos of stars on the small, baffled river; they ran between
high embankments. Siegmund recollected that these were covered with
roses of Sharon--the large golden St John's wort of finest silk. He
looked, and could just distinguish the full-blown, delicate flowers,
ignored by the stars. At last he had something to say to Helena:
'Do you remember,' he asked, 'the roses of Sharon all along here?'
'I do,' replied Helena, glad he spoke so brightly. 'Weren't they
pretty?'
After a few moments of watching the bank, she said:
'Do you know, I have never gathered one? I think I should like to; I
should like to feel them, and they should have an orangy smell.'
He smiled, without answering.
She glanced up at him, smiling brightly.
'But shall we come down here in the morning, and find some?' she asked.
She put the question timidly. 'Would you care to?' she added.
Siegmund darkened and frowned. Here was the pain revived again.
'No,' he said gently; 'I think we had better not.' Almost for the first
time he did not make apologetic explanation.
Helena turned to the window, and remained, looking out at the spinning
of the lights of the towns without speaking, until they were near
Sutton. Then she rose and pinned on her hat, gathering her gloves and
her basket. She was, in spite of herself, slightly angry. Being quite
ready to leave the train, she sat down to wait for the station. Siegmund
was aware that she was displeased, and again, for the first time, he
said to himself, 'Ah, well, it must be so.'
She looked at him. He was sad, therefore she softened instantly.
'At least,' she said doubtfully, 'I shall see you at the station.'
'At Waterloo?' he asked.
'No, at Wimbledon,' she replied, in her metallic tone.
'But--' he began.
'It will be the best way for us,' she interrupted, in the calm tone of
conviction. 'Much better than crossing London from Victoria to
Waterloo.'
'Very well,' he replied.
He looked up a train for her in his little time-table.
'You will get in Wimbledon 10.5--leave 10.40--leave Waterloo 11.30,' he
said.
'Very good,' she answered.
The brakes were grinding. They waited in a burning suspense for the
train to stop.
'If only she will soon go!' thought Siegmund. It was an intolerable
minute. She rose; everything was a red blur. She stood before him,
pressing his hand; then he rose to give her the bag. As he leaned upon
the window-frame and she stood below on the platform, looking up at him,
he could scarcely breathe. 'How long will it be?' he said to himself,
looking at the open carriage doors. He hated intensely the lady who
could not get a porter to remove her luggage; he could have killed her;
he could have killed the dilatory guard. At last the doors slammed and
the whistle went. The train started imperceptibly into motion.
'Now I lose her,' said Siegmund.
She looked up at him; her face was white and dismal.
'Good-bye, then!' she said, and she turned away.
Siegmund went back to his seat. He was relieved, but he trembled with
sickness. We are all glad when intense moments are done with; but why
did she fling round in that manner, stopping the keen note short; what
would she do?
