CHAPTER XVI
October 27th
I do not like living. It is thoroughly disagreeable. Today
Judith taunted me with never having lived, and I admitted the
justice of the taunt and regretted in poignant misery the change
from my old conditions. If to live is to have one's reason cast
down and trampled under foot, one's heart aflame with a besotted
passion and one's soul racked with remorse, then am I living in
good sooth--and I would far rather be dead and suffering the
milder pains of Purgatory. Men differently constituted get used
to it, as the eels to skinning. They say _"mea culpa,"_ "damn,"
or _"Kismet,"_ according to their various traditions, and go
forth comforted to their workaday pursuits. I envy them. I
enter this exquisite Torture Chamber, and I shriek at the first
twinge of the thumbscrew and faint at the preliminary embraces of
the scavenger's daughter.
I envy a fellow like Caesar Borgia. He could murder a friend,
seduce his widow, and rob the orphans all on a summer's day, and
go home contentedly to supper; and after a little music he could
sleep like a man who has thoroughly earned his repose. What
manner of creatures are other men? They area blank mystery to
me; and I am writing--or have been writing--a sociological study
of the most subtle generation of them that has ever existed! I
am an empty fool. I know absolutely nothing. I can no more
account for the peaceful slumbers of that marvellous young man of
five-and-twenty than I can predicate the priority of the first
hen or the first egg. I, with never a murder or a seduction or a
robbery on my conscience, could not sleep last night. I doubt
whether I shall sleep to-night. I feel as if I shall remain
awake through the centuries with a rat gnawing my vitals.
So unhappy looking a woman as Judith, when I called on her early
this forenoon, I have never beheld. Gone was the elaborate
coquetry of yesterday; gone the quiet roguishness of yesteryear;
gone was all the Judith that I knew, and in her place stood a
hollow-eyed woman shaking at gates eternally barred.
"I--thought you would come this morning. I had that lingering
faith in you."
"Your face haunted me all night," I said. "I was bound to come."
"So, this is the end of it all," she remarked, stonily.
"No," said I. "It only marks the transition from a very
ill-defined relationship to as loyal a friendship as ever man
could offer woman."
She gave a quivering little shrug of disgust and turned away.
"Oh, don't talk like that 'I can't offer you bread, but I'll give
you a nice round polished stone.' Friendship! What has a woman
like me got to do with friendship?"
"Have I ever given you much more?"
"God knows what you have given me," she cried, bitterly. She
stared out of the window at the sodden street and murky air. I
went to her side and touched her wrist.
"For heaven's sake, Judith, tell me what I can do."
"What's done is done," she said, between her teeth. "When did
you marry her?"
I explained briefly the condition of affairs. She looked at me
hard and long; then stared out of the window again, and scarce
heeded what I said.
"It was to set myself right with you on this point," I added,
"that I have visited you at such an hour."
She remained silent. I took a few turns about the familiar room
that was filled with the associations of many years. The piano
we chose together. The copy of the Botticelli Tondo--the crowned
Madonna of the Uffizi--I gave her in Florence. We had ransacked
London together to find the Chippendale bookcase; and on its
shelves stood books that had formed a bond between us, and copies
of old reviews containing my fugitive contributions. A spurious
Japanese dragon in fa‹ence, an inartistic monstrosity dear to her
heart, at which I had often railed, grinned forgivingly at me
from the mantel-piece. I have never realised how closely bound
up with my habits was this drawing-room of Judith's. I stopped
once more by her side.
"I can't leave you altogether, dear," I said, gently. "A bit of
myself is in this room."
Her bosom shook with unhappy laughter.
"A bit?" Then she turned suddenly on me. "Are you simply dull
or sheerly cruel?"
"I am dull," said I. "Why do you refuse my friendship? Our
relation has been scarcely more. It has not touched the deep
things in us. We agreed at the start that it should not. The
words 'I love you' have never passed between us. We have been
loyal to our compact. Now that love has come into my life--and
Heaven knows I have striven against it--what would you have me
do?"
"And what would you have me do?" said Judith, tonelessly.
"Forgive me for breaking off the old, and trust me to make the
new pleasant to you."
She made no answer, but stood still staring out of the window
like a woman of stone. Presently she shivered and crossed to the
fire, before which she crouched on a low chair. I remained by
the window, anxious, puzzled, oppressod.
"Marcus," she said at last, in a low voice. I obeyed her
summons. She motioned me to a chair, and without looking at me
began to speak.
"You said there was a bit of you in this room. There is
everything of you. Your whole being is for me in this room. You
are with me wherever I go. You are the beginning and end of life
to me. I love you with a passion that is killing me. I am an
emotional woman. I made shipwreck of myself because I thought I
loved a man. But, as God hears me, you are the only man I have
loved. You came to me like a breath of Heaven while I was in
Purgatory--and you have been Heaven to me ever since. It has
been play to you--but to me--"
I fell on my knees beside her. Each of the low half-whispered
words was a red hot iron. I had received last night the message
of her white face with incredulity. I had reviewed our past life
together and had found little warrant in it for that message. It
could not come from the depths. It was staggeringly impossible.
And now the impossible was the flaming fact.
I fell on my knees beside her.
"Not play, Judith--"
She put out her hand to check me, and the words died on my lips.
What could I say?
"For you it was a detached pleasant sentiment, if you like; for
me the deadliest earnest. I was a fool too. You never said you
loved me, but I thought you did. You were not as other men, you
knew nothing of the ways of the world or of women or of passion
--you were reserved, intellectual--you viewed things in a queer
light of your own. I felt that the touch of a chain would fret
you. I gave you
absolute freedom--often when I craved for you. I made no
demands. I assented to your philosophic analysis of the
situation--it is your way to moralise whimsically on everything,
as if you were a disconnected intelligence outside the universe
--and I paid no attention to it. I used to laugh at you--oh, not
unkindly, but lovingly, happily, victoriously. Oh, yes, I was a
fool--what woman in love isn't? I thought I gave you all you
needed. I was content, secure. I magnified every little
demonstration. When you touched my ear it was more to me than
the embrace of another man might have been. I have lived on one
kiss of yours for a week. To you the kiss was of no more value
than a cigarette. I wish," she added in a whisper, "I wish I
were dead!"
She had spoken in a low, monotonous voice, staring haggardly at
the fire, while I knelt by her side. I murmured some banal
apologia, miserably aware that one set of words is as futile as
another when one has broken a woman's heart.
"You never knew I loved you?" she went on in the same bitter
undertone. "What kind of woman did you take me for? I have
accepted help from you to enable me to live in this flat--do you
imagine I could have done such a thing without loving you? I
should have thought it was obvious in a thousand ways."
The fire getting low, she took up the scoop for coals.
Mechanically I relieved her of the thing and fulfilled the
familiar task. Neither spoke for a long time. She remained
there and I went to the window. It had begun to rain. A
barrel-organ below was playing some horrible music-hall air, and
every vibrant note was like a hammer on one's nerves. The
grinder's bedraggled Italian wife perceiving me at the window
grinned up at me with the national curve of the palm. She had a
black eye which the cacophonous fiend had probably given her, and
she grinned like a happy child of nature. Men in my position do
not blacken women's eyes; but it is only a question of manners.
Was I, for that, less of a brute male than the scowling beast at
the organ?
The sudden sound of a sob made me turn to Judith, who had broken
down and was crying bitterly, her face hidden in her hands. I
bent and touched her shoulder.
"Judith--"
She flung her arms around my neck.
"I can't give you up, I can't, I can't, I can't," she cried,
wildly.
For the first time in my life I heard a woman give abandoned,
incoherent utterance to an agony of passion; and it sounded
horrible, like the cry of an animal wounded to death.
A guilt-stricken creature, scarce daring to meet her eyes, I bade
her farewell. She had recovered her composure.
"Make me one little promise, Marcus, do me one little favour,"
she said, with quivering lip, and letting her cold hand remain in
mine. "Stay away from her to-day. I couldn't bear to think of
you and her together, happy, love-making, after what I've said
this morning. I should writhe with the shame and the torture of
it. Give me your thoughts to-day. Wear a little mourning for
the dead. It is all I ask of you."
"I should have done what you ask without the asking," I replied.
I kissed her hand, and went out into the street.
I had walked but a few blind steps when I became aware of the
presence and voice of Pasquale.
"Coming from Mrs. Mainwaring's? I am just on my way there to
restore her opera-glasses which I ran away with last night.
What's her number? I forget. I dropped in at Lingfield Terrace
to inquire, but found you had already started."
"Seventeen," I answered, mechanically.
"You are not looking well, my good friend," said he. "I hope
last night has not upset you. It's all bluff, you know, on the
part of the precious Hamdi."
"I dare say it was," I assented.
"And bluff on your part, too. I have never given your
imaginative faculties sufficient credit. It bowled Hamdi out
clean."
"Yes," said I. "It bowled him out clean."
"Serve him right," said Pasquale. "He's the wickedest old thief
unhung."
"Quite so," said I, "the wickedest old thief unhung."
Pasquale shook me by the arm.
"Are you a man or a phonograph? What on earth has happened to
you?"
I think I envied the laughter in his handsome, dark face, and the
careless grace of the fellow as he stood beneath the dripping
umbrella debonair as a young prince, in perfectly fitting blue
serge-he wore no overcoat; mine was buttoned up to the chinand
immaculate suede gloves.
"What is it?" he repeated, gaily.
"I didn't sleep last night," said I, "my breakfast disagreed with
me, and it's raining in the most unpleasant manner."
Even while I was speaking he left my side and darted across the
road. In some astonishment I watched him for a moment from the
kerb, and then made my way slowly to the other side. I found him
in conversation with an emaciated, bedraggled woman standing by
an enormous bundle, about three times her own cubic bulk, which
she had rested on the slimy pavement. One hand pressed a panting
bosom.
"You are going to carry that in your arms all the way to South
Kensington?" I heard him cry as I approached.
"Yes, sir," said the woman.
"Then you shan't. I'm not going to allow it. Catch hold of
this."
The umbrella which he thrust out at her she clutched
automatically, to prevent it falling about her ears. The veto
she received with a wonderment which deepened into stupefaction
when she saw him lift the huge bundle in his arms and stalk away
with it down the street. She turned a scared face at me.
"It's washing," she said.
Pasquale paused, looked round and motioned her onward. She
followed without a word, holding the trim silver mounted
umbrella, and I mechanically brought up the rear. It had all
happened so quickly that I too was confused. The scanty populace
in the rain-filled street stared and gaped. A shambling fellow
in corduroys bawled an obscene jest. Pasquale put down his
bundle.
"Do you want to be sent to hell by lightning?" he asked, with the
evil snarl of the lips.
"No," said the man, sheering off.
"I'm glad," remarked Pasquale, picking up the bundle. And we
resumed our progress.
Luckily a four-wheeled cab overtook us. Pasquale stopped it,
squeezed the bundle inside, and held the door open for the
faltering and bewildered woman, as if she had been the authentic
duchessa at Ealing.
"You were saying, Ordeyne," he observed, as the cabman drove off
with three shillings and his incoherent fare, "you were saying
that your breakfast disagreed with you."
In spite of my heaviness of heart, I laughed and loved the man.
There was something fantastically chivalrous in the action;
something superb in the contempt of convention; something
whimsical, adventurous, unexpected; and something divine in the
wrathful pity; and something irresistible in his impudent
apostrophe to myself. It has been the one flash of comfort
during this long and desolate day.
I have kept my promise to Judith. I have lunched and dined at
the club, and in the library of the club I have tried to while
away the hours. I intended this morning to make the necessary
arrangements for the marriage. After my interview with Judith I
had not the heart. I put it off till to-morrow. I have observed
the day as a day of mourning. I have worn sackcloth and ashes.
I have done such penance as I could for the grievous fault I have
committed. Carlotta is in bed and asleep. She went early, says
Antoinette, having a bad headache. No wonder, poor child.
A few moments ago I was tempted to peep into her room and satisfy
myself that she was not ailing. A headache is the common
precursor to many maladies. But I remembered my promise and
refrained. The cooing notes of the voice would have called me to
her side, and her arms would have been around my neck and I
should have forgotten Judith.
