IV
Now, from the whole adventure, Watson carried away no
bitterness. It was a social experience of a new order, and it
led to the writing of another book, which he entitled, "POLICE
COURT PROCEDURE: A Tentative Analysis."
One summer morning a year later, on his ranch, he left his
horse and himself clambered on through a miniature canyon to
inspect some rock ferns he had planted the previous winter.
Emerging from the upper end of the canyon, he came out on one
of his flower-spangled meadows, a delightful isolated spot,
screened from the world by low hills and clumps of trees. And
here he found a man, evidently on a stroll from the summer
hotel down at the little town a mile away. They met face to
face and the recognition was mutual. It was Judge Witberg.
Also, it was a clear case of trespass, for Watson had trespass
signs upon his boundaries, though he never enforced them.
Judge Witberg held out his hand, which Watson refused to see.
"Politics is a dirty trade, isn't it, Judge?" he remarked. "Oh,
yes, I see your hand, but I don't care to take it. The papers
said I shook hands with Patsy Horan after the trial. You know I
did not, but let me tell you that I'd a thousand times rather
shake hands with him and his vile following of curs, than with
you."
Judge Witberg was painfully flustered, and as he hemmed and
hawed and essayed to speak, Watson, looking at him, was struck
by a sudden whim, and he determined on a grim and facetious
antic.
"I should scarcely expect any animus from a man of your
acquirements and knowledge of the world," the Judge was saying.
"Animus?" Watson replied. "Certainly not. I haven't such a
thing in my nature. And to prove it, let me show you something
curious, something you have never seen before." Casting about
him, Watson picked up a rough stone the size of his fist. "See
this. Watch me."
So saying, Carter Watson tapped himself a sharp blow on the
cheek. The stone laid the flesh open to the bone and the blood
spurted forth.
"The stone was too sharp," he announced to the astounded police
judge, who thought he had gone mad.
"I must bruise it a trifle. There is nothing like being
realistic in such matters."
Whereupon Carter Watson found a smooth stone and with it
pounded his cheek nicely several times.
"Ah," he cooed. "That will turn beautifully green and black in
a few hours. It will be most convincing."
"You are insane," Judge Witberg quavered.
"Don't use such vile language to me," said Watson. "You see my
bruised and bleeding face? You did that, with that right hand
of yours. You hit me twice--biff, biff. It is a brutal and
unprovoked assault. I am in danger of my life. I must protect
myself."
Judge Witberg backed away in alarm before the menacing fists of
the other.
"If you strike me I'll have you arrested," Judge Witberg
threatened.
"That is what I told Patsy," was the answer. "And do you know
what he did when I told him that?"
"No."
"That!"
And at the same moment Watson's right fist landed flush on
Judge Witberg's nose, putting that legal gentleman over on his
back on the grass.
"Get up!" commanded Watson. "If you are a gentleman, get
up--that's what Patsy told me, you know."
Judge Witberg declined to rise, and was dragged to his feet by
the coat-collar, only to have one eye blacked and be put on his
back again. After that it was a red Indian massacre. Judge
Witberg was humanely and scientifically beaten up. His checks
were boxed, his cars cuffed, and his face was rubbed in the
turf. And all the time Watson exposited the way Patsy Horan had
done it. Occasionally, and very carefully, the facetious
sociologist administered a real bruising blow. Once, dragging
the poor Judge to his feet, he deliberately bumped his own nose
on the gentleman's head. The nose promptly bled.
"See that!" cried Watson, stepping back and deftly shedding his
blood all down his own shirt front. "You did it. With your fist
you did it. It is awful. I am fair murdered. I must again
defend myself."
And once more Judge Witberg impacted his features on a fist and
was sent to grass.
"I will have you arrested," he sobbed as he lay.
"That's what Patsy said."
"A brutal---sniff, sniff,--and unprovoked--sniff, sniff--
assault."
"That's what Patsy said."
"I will surely have you arrested."
"Speaking slangily, not if I can beat you to it."
And with that, Carter Watson departed down the canyon, mounted
his horse, and rode to town.
An hour later, as Judge Witberg limped up the grounds to his
hotel, he was arrested by a village constable on a charge of
assault and battery preferred by Carter Watson.
