CHAPTER III.
THE CZAR.--THE CZARINA.--A FEAST AT A RUSSIAN NOBLEMAN'S.
THE next day I dressed myself in my richest attire; and, according to my
appointment, went with as much state as I could command to the Czar's
palace (if an exceedingly humble abode can deserve so proud an
appellation). Although my mission was private, I was a little surprised
by the extreme simplicity and absence from pomp which the royal
residence presented. I was ushered for a few moments into a paltry
ante-chamber, in which were several models of ships, cannon, and houses;
two or three indifferent portraits,--one of King William III., another
of Lord Caermarthen. I was then at once admitted into the royal
presence.
There were only two persons in the room,--one a female, the other a man;
no officers, no courtiers, no attendants, none of the insignia nor the
witnesses of majesty. The female was Catherine, the Czarina; the man
was the stranger I had met the day before--and Peter the Great. I was a
little startled at the identity of the Czar with my inquisitive
acquaintance. However, I put on as assured a countenance as I could.
Indeed, I had spoken sufficiently well of the royal person to feel very
little apprehension at having unconsciously paid so slight a respect to
the royal dignity.
"Ho! ho!" cried the Czar, as I reverently approached him; "I told you we
should meet soon!" and turning round, he presented me to her Majesty.
That extraordinary woman received me very graciously: and, though I had
been a spectator of the most artificial and magnificent court in Europe,
I must confess that I could detect nothing in the Czarina's air
calculated to betray her having been the servant of a Lutheran minister
and the wife of a Swedish dragoon; whether it was that greatness was
natural to her, or whether (which was more probable) she was an instance
of the truth of Suckling's hackneyed thought, in "Brennoralt,"--"Success
is a rare paint,--hides all the ugliness."
While I was making my salutations, the Czarina rose very quietly, and
presently, to my no small astonishment, brought me with her own hand a
tolerably large glass of raw brandy. There is nothing in the world I
hate so much as brandy; however, I swallowed the potation as if it had
been nectar, and made some fine speech about it, which the good Czarina
did not seem perfectly to understand. I then, after a few preliminary
observations, entered upon my main business with the Czar. Her Majesty
sat at a little distance, but evidently listened very attentively to the
conversation. I could not but be struck with the singularly bold and
strong sense of my royal host. There was no hope of deluding or
misleading him by diplomatic subterfuge. The only way by which that
wonderful man was ever misled was through his passions. His reason
conquered all errors but those of temperament. I turned the
conversation as artfully as I could upon Sweden and Charles XII.
"Hatred to one power," thought I, "may produce love to another; and if
it does, the child will spring from a very vigorous parent." While I
was on this subject, I observed a most fearful convulsion come over the
face of the Czar,--one so fearful that I involuntarily looked away.
Fortunate was it that I did so. Nothing ever enraged him more than
being observed in those constitutional contortions of countenance to
which from his youth he had been subjected.
After I had conversed with the Czar as long as I thought decorum
permitted, I rose to depart. He dismissed me very complaisantly. I
re-entered my fine equipage, and took the best of my way home.
Two or three days afterwards, the Czar ordered me to be invited to a
grand dinner at Apraxin's. I went there, and so found myself in
conversation with a droll little man, a Dutch Minister, and a great
favourite with the Czar. The Admiral and his wife, before we sat down
to eat, handed round to each of their company a glass of brandy on a
plate.
"What an odious custom!" whispered the little Dutch Minister, smacking
his lips, however, with an air of tolerable content.
"Why," said I, prudently, "all countries have their customs. Some
centuries ago, a French traveller thought it horrible in us Englishmen
to eat raw oysters. But the English were in the right to eat oysters;
and perhaps, by and by, so much does civilization increase, we shall
think the Russians in the right to drink brandy. But really [we had now
sat down to the entertainment], I am agreeably surprised here. All the
guests are dressed like my own countrymen; a great decorum reigns
around. If it were a little less cold, I might fancy myself in London
or in Paris."
"Wait," quoth the little Dutchman, with his mouth full of jelly broth,
"wait till you hear them talk. What think you, now, that lady next me
is saying?"
"I cannot guess: but she has the prettiest smile in the world; and there
is something at once so kind and so respectful in her manner that I
should say she was either asking some great favour, or returning thanks
for one."
"Right," cried the little Minister, "I will interpret for you. She is
saying to that old gentleman, 'Sir, I am extremely grateful--and may
Saint Nicholas bless you for it--for your very great kindness in having,
the day before yesterday, at your sumptuous entertainment, made me so
deliciously--drunk!'"
"You are witty, Monsieur," said I, smiling. "/Se non e vero e ben
trovato/."
"By my soul, it is true," cried the Dutchman; "but, hush!--see, they are
going to cut up that great pie."
I turned my eyes to the centre of the table, which was ornamented with a
huge pasty. Presently it was cut open, and out--walked a hideous little
dwarf.
"Are they going to eat him?" said I.
"Ha! ha!" laughed the Dutchman. "No! this is a fashion of the Czar's,
which the Admiral thinks it good policy to follow. See, it tickles the
hebete Russians. They are quite merry on it."
"To be sure," said I; "practical jokes are the only witticisms savages
understand."
"Ay, and if it were not for such jokes now and then, the Czar would be
odious beyond measure; but dwarf pies and mock processions make his
subjects almost forgive him for having shortened their clothes and
clipped their beards."
"The Czar is very fond of those mock processions?"
"Fond!" and the little man sank his voice into a whisper; "he is the
sublimest buffoon that ever existed. I will tell you an instance--Do
you like these Hungary wines, by the by?--On the 9th of last June, the
Czar carried me, and half-a-dozen more of the foreign ministers, to his
pleasure-house (Peterhoff). Dinner, as usual, all drunk with Tokay, and
finished by a quart of brandy each, from her Majesty's own hand.
Carried off to sleep,--some in the garden, some in the wood. Woke at
four, still in the clouds. Carried back to the pleasure-house, found
the Czar there, made us a low bow, and gave us a hatchet apiece, with
orders to follow him. Off we trudged, rolling about like ships in the
Zuyder Zee, entered a wood, and were immediately set to work at cutting
a road through it. Nice work for us of the /corps diplomatique/! And,
by my soul, Sir, you see that I am by no means a thin man! We had three
hours of it, were carried back, made drunk again, sent to bed, roused
again in an hour, made drunk a third time; and, because we /could not/
be waked again, left in peace till eight the next morning. Invited to
court to breakfast; such headaches we had; longed for coffee; found
nothing but brandy; forced to drink; sick as dogs; sent to take an
airing upon the most damnable little horses, not worth a guilder, no
bridles nor saddles; bump--bump--bump we go, up and down before the
Czar's window,--he and the Czarina looking at us. I do assure you I
lost two stone by that ride,--two stone, Sir!--taken to dinner; drunk
again, by the Lord, all bundled on board a /torrenschute/; devil of a
storm came on; Czar took the rudder; Czarina on high benches in the
cabin, which was full of water; waves beating; winds blowing; certain of
being drowned; charming prospect!--tossed about for seven hours; driven
into the port of Cronsflot. Czar leaves us, saying, 'Too much of a
jest, eh, gentlemen?' All got ashore wet as dog-fishes, made a fire,
stripped stark naked (a Dutch ambassador stark naked,--think of it,
Sir!), crept into some covers of sledges, and rose next morning with the
ague,--positive fact, Sir! Had the ague for two months. Saw the Czar
in August; 'A charming excursion to my pleasure-house,' said his
Majesty; 'we must make another party there soon.'"
As the Dutchman delivered himself of the little history he was by no
means forgetful of the Hungary wines; and as Bacchus and Venus have old
affinity, he now began to grow eloquent on the women.
"What think you of them yourself?" said he; "they have a rolling look,
eh?"
"They have so," I answered: "but they all have black teeth; what's the
reason?"
"They think it a beauty, and say white teeth are the sign of a
blackamoor."
Here the Dutchman was accosted by some one else, and there was a pause.
Dinner at last ceased; the guests did not sit long after dinner, and for
a very good reason: the brandy bowl is a great enforcer of a prostrate
position! I had the satisfaction of seeing the company safely under the
table. The Dutchman went first, and, having dexterously manoeuvred an
escape from utter oblivion for myself, I managed to find my way home,
more edified than delighted by the character of a Russian entertainment.
