BOOK FOURTH.
INITIAL CHAPTER.
COMPRISING MR. CAXTON'S OPINIONS ON THE MATRIMONIAL STATE, SUPPORTED BY
LEARNED AUTHORITIES.
"It was no bad idea of yours, Pisistratus," said my father, graciously,
"to depict the heightened affections and the serious intention of Signor
Riccabocca by a single stroke,-- /He left of his spectacles!/ Good."
"Yet," quoth my uncle, "I think Shakspeare represents a lover as falling
into slovenly habits, neglecting his person, and suffering his hose to be
ungartered, rather than paying that attention to his outer man which
induces Signor Riccabocca to leave off his spectacles, and look as
handsome as nature will permit him."
"There are different degrees and many phases of the passion," replied my
father. "Shakspeare is speaking of an ill-treated, pining, woe-begone
lover, much aggrieved by the cruelty of his mistress,--a lover who has
found it of no avail to smarten himself up, and has fallen despondently
into the opposite extreme. Whereas Signor Riccabocca has nothing to
complain of in the barbarity of Miss Jemima."
"Indeed he has not!" cried Blanche, tossing her head,--"forward
creature!"
"Yes, my dear," said my mother, trying her best to look stately, "I am
decidedly of opinion that, in that respect, Pisistratus has lowered the
dignity of the sex. Not intentionally," added my mother, mildly, and
afraid she had said something too bitter; "but it is very hard for a man
to describe us women."
The captain nodded approvingly; Mr. Squills smiled; my father quietly
resumed the thread of his discourse.
"To continue," quoth he. "Riccabocca has no reason to despair of success
in his suit, nor any object in moving his mistress to compassion. He
may, therefore, very properly tie up his garters and leave off his
spectacles. What do you say, Mr. Squills?--for, after all, since love-
making cannot fail to be a great constitutional derangement, the
experience of a medical man must be the best to consult."
"Mr. Caxton," replied Squills, obviously flattered, "you are quite right:
when a man makes love, the organs of self-esteem and desire of applause
are greatly stimulated, and therefore, of course, he sets himself off to
the best advantage. It is only, as you observe, when, like Shakspeare's
lover, he has given up making love as a bad job, and has received that
severe hit on the ganglions which the cruelty of a mistress inflicts,
that he neglects his personal appearance: he neglects it, not because he
is in love, but because his nervous system is depressed. That was the
cause, if you remember, with poor Major Prim. He wore his wig all awry
when Susan Smart jilted him; but I set it right for him."
"By shaming Miss Smart into repentance, or getting him a new sweetheart?"
asked my uncle.
"Pooh!" answered Squills, "by quinine and cold bathing."
"We may therefore grant," renewed my father, "that, as a general rule,
the process of courtship tends to the spruceness, and even foppery, of
the individual engaged in the experiment, as Voltaire has very prettily
proved somewhere. Nay, the Mexicans, indeed, were of opinion that the
lady at least ought to continue those cares of her person even after
marriage. There is extant, in Sahagun's 'History of New Spain,' the
advice of an Aztec or Mexican mother to her daughter, in which she says,
'That your husband may not take you in dislike, adorn yourself, wash
yourself, and let your garments be clean.' It is true that the good lady
adds, 'Do it in moderation; since if every day you are washing yourself
and your clothes, the world will say that you are over-delicate; and
particular people will call you--TAPETZON TINEMAXOCH!' What those words
precisely mean," added my father, modestly, "I cannot say, since I never
had the opportunity to acquire the ancient Aztec language,--but something
very opprobrious and horrible, no doubt."
"I dare say a philosopher like Signor Riccabocca," said my uncle, "was
not himself very /tapetzon tine/--what d' ye call it?--and a good healthy
English wife, that poor affectionate Jemima, was thrown away upon him."
"Roland," said my father, "you don't like foreigners; a respectable
prejudice, and quite natural in a man who has been trying his best to
hew them in pieces and blow them up into splinters. But you don't like
philosophers either,--and for that dislike you have no equally good
reason."
"I only implied that they are not much addicted to soap and water," said
my uncle.
"A notable mistake. Many great philosophers have been very great beaux.
Aristotle was a notorious fop. Buffon put on his best laced ruffles when
he sat down to write, which implies that he washed his hands first.
Pythagoras insists greatly on the holiness of frequent ablutions; and
Horace--who, in his own way, was as good a philosopher as any the Romans
produced--takes care to let us know what a neat, well-dressed, dapper
little gentleman he was. But I don't think you ever read the 'Apology'
of Apuleius?"
"Not I; what is it about?" asked the captain.
"About a great many things. It is that Sage's vindication from several
malignant charges,--amongst others, and principally indeed, that of being
much too refined and effeminate for a philosopher. Nothing can exceed
the rhetorical skill with which he excuses himself for using--tooth-
powder. 'Ought a philosopher,' he exclaims, 'to allow anything unclean
about him, especially in the mouth,--the mouth, which is the vestibule of
the soul, the gate of discourse, the portico of thought! Ah, but
AEmilianus [the accuser of Apuleius] never opens his mouth but for
slander and calumny,--tooth-powder would indeed be unbecoming to him!
Or, if he use any, it will not be my good Arabian tooth powder, but
charcoal and cinders. Ay, his teeth should be as foul as his language!
And yet even the crocodile likes to have his teeth cleaned; insects get
into them, and, horrible reptile though he be, he opens his jaws
inoffensively to a faithful dentistical bird, who volunteers his beak for
a toothpick.'"
My father was now warm in the subject he had started, and soared miles
away from Riccabocca and "My Novel." "And observe," he exclaimed,--
"observe with what gravity this eminent Platonist pleads guilty to the
charge of having a mirror. 'Why, what,' he exclaims, 'more worthy of the
regards of a human creature than his own image' /nihil respectabilius
homini quam formam suam/! Is not that one of our children the most dear
to us who is called 'the picture of his father'? But take what pains you
will with a picture, it can never be so like you as the face in your
mirror! Think it discreditable to look with proper attention on one's
self in the glass! Did not Socrates recommend such attention to his
disciples,--did he not make a great moral agent of the speculum? The
handsome, in admiring their beauty therein, were admonished that handsome
is who handsome does; and the more the ugly stared at themselves, the
more they became naturally anxious to hide the disgrace of their features
in the loveliness of their merits. Was not Demosthenes always at his
speculum? Did he not rehearse his causes before it as before a master in
the art? He learned his eloquence from Plato, his dialectics from
Eubulides; but as for his delivery--there, he came to the mirror!
"Therefore," concluded Mr. Caxton, returning unexpectedly to the
subject,--"therefore, it is no reason to suppose that Dr. Riccabocca
is averse to cleanliness and decent care of the person because he is a
philosopher; and, all things considered, he never showed himself more a
philosopher than when he left off his spectacles and looked his best."
"Well," said my mother, kindly, "I only hope it may turn out happily.
But I should have been better pleased if Pisistratus had not made Dr.
Riccabocca so reluctant a wooer."
"Very true," said the captain; "the Italian does not shine as a lover.
Throw a little more fire into him, Pisistratus,--something gallant and
chivalrous."
"Fire! gallantry! chivalry!" cried my father, who had taken Riccabocca
under his special protection; "why, don't you see that the man is
described as a philosopher?--and I should like to know when a philosopher
ever plunged into matrimony without considerable misgivings and cold
shivers! Indeed, it seems that--perhaps before he was a philosopher--
Riccabocca had tried the experiment, and knew what it was. Why, even
that plain-speaking, sensible, practical man, Metellus Numidicus, who was
not even a philosopher, but only a Roman censor, thus expressed himself
in an exhortation to the people to perpetrate matrimony: 'If, O Quirites,
we could do without wives, we should all dispense with that subject of
care /ea molestia careremus/; but since nature has so managed it that we
cannot live with women comfortably, nor without them at all, let us
rather provide for the human race than our own temporary felicity.'"
Here the ladies set up such a cry of indignation, that both Roland and
myself endeavoured to appease their wrath by hasty assurances that we
utterly repudiated the damnable doctrine of Metellus Numidicus.
My father, wholly unmoved, as soon as a sullen silence was established,
recommenced. "Do not think, ladies," said he, "that you were without
advocates at that day: there were many Romans gallant enough to blame the
censor for a mode of expressing himself which they held to be equally
impolite and injudicious. 'Surely,' said they, with some plausibility,
if Numidicus wished men to marry, he need not have referred so
peremptorily to the disquietudes of the connection, and thus have made
them more inclined to turn away from matrimony than give them a relish
for it.' But against these critics one honest man (whose name of Titus
Castricius should not be forgotten by posterity) maintained that Metellus
Numidicus could not have spoken more properly; 'For remark,' said he,
'that Metellus was a censor, not a rhetorician. It becomes rhetoricians
to adorn and disguise and make the best of things; but Metellus, /sanctus
vir/,--a holy and blameless man, grave and sincere to wit, and addressing
the Roman people in the solemn capacity of Censor,--was bound to speak
the plain truth, especially as he was treating of a subject on which the
observation of every day, and the experience of every life, could not
leave the least doubt upon the mind of his audience.' Still, Riccabocca,
having decided to marry, has no doubt prepared himself to bear all the
concomitant evils--as becomes a professed sage; and I own I admire the
art with which Pisistratus has drawn the kind of woman most likely to
suit a philosopher--"
Pisistratus bows, and looks round complacently; but recoils from two very
peevish and discontented faces feminine.
MR. CAXTON (completing his sentence).--"Not only as regards mildness of
temper and other household qualifications, but as regards the very person
of the object of his choice. For you evidently remember, Pisistratus,
the reply of Bias, when asked his opinion on marriage: [Long sentence in
Greek]"
Pisistratus tries to look as if he had the opinion of Bias by heart, and
nods acquiescingly.
MR. CAXTON.--"That is, my dears, 'The woman you would marry is either
handsome or ugly: if handsome, she is koine,--namely, you don't have her
to yourself; if ugly, she is /poine/,--that is, a fury.' But, as it is
observed in Aulus Gellius (whence I borrow this citation), there is a
wide interval between handsome and ugly. And thus Ennius, in his tragedy
of 'Menalippus,' uses an admirable expression to designate women of the
proper degree of matrimonial comeliness, such as a philosopher would
select. He calls this degree /stata forma/,--a rational, mediocre sort
of beauty, which is not liable to be either /koine/ or /poine/. And
Favorinus, who was a remarkably sensible man, and came from Provence--the
male inhabitants of which district have always valued themselves on their
knowledge of love and ladies--calls this said /stata forma/ the beauty of
wives,--the uxorial beauty. Ennius says that women of a /stata forma/
are almost always safe and modest. Now, Jemima, you observe, is
described as possessing this /stata forma/; and it is the nicety of your
observation in this respect, which I like the most in the whole of your
description of a philosopher's matrimonial courtship, Pisistratus
(excepting only the stroke of the spectacles), for it shows that you had
properly considered the opinion of Bias, and mastered all the counter
logic suggested in Book v., chapter xi., of Aulus Gellius."
"For all that," said Blanche, half archly, half demurely, with a smile in
the eye and a pout of the lip, "I don't remember that Pisistratus, in the
days when he wished to be most complimentary, ever assured me that I had
a /stata forma/,--a rational, mediocre sort of beauty."
"And I think," observed my uncle, "that when he comes to his real
heroine, whoever she may be, he will not trouble his head much about
either Bias or Aulus Gellius."
