THE GOODWIFE OF CAIRO AND HER FOUR
GALLANTS.[FN#354]
It is said that in Misr lived a woman, a model of beauty and
loveliness and stature and perfect grace, who had a difficulty
with a man which was a Kazi and after this fashion it befel. She
was the wife of an Emir[FN#355] and she was wont to visit the
Baths once a month; and when the appointed term for her going
forth had come, she adorned herself and perfumed herself and
beautified herself and hastened, tripping and stumbling,[FN#356]
to the Hammám. Now her path passed by the Kazi's court-house
where she saw many a man[FN#357] and she stopped to enjoy the
spectacle, upon which the judge himself glanced at her with a
glance of eyes that bequeathed to him a thousand sighs and he
asked her saying, "O woman, hast thou any want?" "No indeed,"
answered she, "I have none." Then he inclined to her and drawing
near her said, "O lady mine and O light of these eyne, is union
possible between us twain?" She replied, "'Tis possible," and he
enquired of her when it could be, and she made an appointment
with him saying, "Do thou come to me after supper-time,"--And
Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and
ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad,
"How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable! Quoth she, "And where is this compared with that I
would relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to
survive?" Now when it was the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Thirty-ninth Night,
Dunyazad said to her. "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night." She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the
Goodwife said to the Kazi, "Do thou come to me after
supper-time," and went her ways and entered the Hammam, where she
washed herself and cleaned herself; then, coming out thence, she
determined to go home. But she was met on her road by a
Gentleman[FN#358] who was Sháhbandar of the Trader-guild, and he
seeing her set his affections upon her; so he accosted her,
saying, "Is't possible that we ever be merry together?" Hereat
she appointed him to come when supper was done, after which she
left him and ganged her gait. As she neared her home she was met
by a Butcher whose heart inclined to her, so he addressed her
saying, "Is union possible?" and she appointed him to visit her
an hour after supper had been eaten. Then she went home and
mounting the stairs took seat in the upper saloon open to the
air, where she doffed her head-veil[FN#359] and all that was upon
her head. Now in the neighbourhood of her house was a Trader and
he had mounted to the terrace-roof for a reason; so when the
woman bared her hair and taking up a comb began to dry and
prepare it for dressing, his eyes fell upon her whilst so
engaged, and his heart was engrossed with her love. Presently he
sent to her an old woman; and she returned him a reply and
appointed him to visit her house during the night after
supper-tide. On this wise she had promised herself to four
men.[FN#360] Now the Kazi had got ready for her a Kohl-style and
the Gentleman had prepared for her a fine suit of clothes and the
Butcher had led for her a full-sized ram and the Trader had set
apart for her two pieces of silk. As soon as it was supper-time,
behold, the Kazi repaired to her in privacy bringing his gift and
knocked at the door which he found unbolted and she cried to him,
"Come in." Accordingly he entered to her and presented to her
that which was with him, but hardly had he settled himself
comfortably in his seat when the Gentleman arrived and also
rapped. Quoth the Kazi to the Goodwife, "Who may this be?" and
quoth she, ‘Fear thou nothing, but arise and doff thy dress;" so
he stripped himself altogether and she garbed him in a gaberdine
and bonnet[FN#361] and hid him in a closet and went to open the
door. Hereupon appeared the Consul and she let him in and
accepted what he had brought and seated him beside her. But
hardly had he settled down when, behold, there came a knock at
the door and he cried, "Who may that be?" Said she, "Fear nothing
but up and doff thy dress;" so he arose and stripped himself and
she disguised him in a gaberdine and bonnet and hid him in
another closet all alone. Then she hastened to the door and
suddenly the Flesher-man appeared and she let him in and led him
within and having accepted his present seated him; but hardly was
he at his case when the door was again knocked, whereat he was
overcome and affrighted: however, she said to him, "Fear nothing,
but arise and doff thy dress in order that I may hide thee." So
he threw off his clothes and she invested him in a gaberdine and
a bonnet and thrust him into a third cabinet. After this she went
and opened the door when there came to her the Trader who was her
neighbour, so she let him in and took what was with him, and
seated him; and he was proceeding to sit down in comfort when
behold, some one knocked at the door and he said, "Who may that
be?" Hereupon she cried, "O my honour! O my calamity! This is my
husband who but yesterday[FN#362] killed off four men; however do
thou rise up and doff thy dress." He did as she bade him, upon
which she garbed him in a gaberdine and a bonnet and laid him in
a fourth closet. So these four one and all found themselves in as
many cabinets[FN#363] sorely sorrowful and fearful; but she went
forth and suddenly her mate the Emir came in and took seat upon a
chair that was in the house. Hereat all four sensed that she had
opened to her husband and had admitted him; and they said in
their minds, "Yesterday he killed four men and now he will kill
me." And each and every considered his own affair and determined
in his mind what should happen to him from the husband. Such was
the case with these four; but as regards the housemaster, when he
took seat upon the chair, he fell to chatting with his wife and
asking her saying, "What hast thou seen this day during thy walk
to the Hammam?" Said she, "O my lord, I have witnessed four
adventures and on every one hangeth a wondrous tale!" Now when
the four heard the Goodwife speaking these words each of them
said to himself, "Indeed I am a dead man and 'tis the intention
of this woman to peach upon me." Presently her husband asked her,
"What be these four histories?" and answered she, "I saw four men
each and every of whom was an antic fellow, a droll, a buffoon;
furthermore, O my lord, one and all of them were garbed in
gaberdine and bonnet."--And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn
of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then
quoth her sister Dunyazad, "How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O
sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!" Quoth she, "And
where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the
coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?" Now when it was
the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Forty-first Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director,the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the woman
said to her husband, "Moreover each of the four was habited in
gaberdine and bonnet." But when the amourists heard these words
every one of them said to himself, "Here be a judgment this
strumpet of a woman hath wrought upon us, the whore! the witch!"
and her husband understanding what she told him asked, "Wherefore
didst thou not bring them hither that the sight might solace us?"
"O my lord," answered she, "had I brought them what hadst thou
said to them? indeed I fear me thou wouldst have slain them!" And
he, "No indeed; I would not have killed them, for they are but
buffoon-folk, and we should have enjoyed their harlequinades and
would have made them dance to us a wee and all and some tell us
tales to gladden our minds; after which we would have suffered
them depart and go about their own business." The wife enquired,
"And given that they knew neither dancing nor story-telling what
hadst thou done with them?" and replied he, "Had the case been as
thou sayest and they ignorant of all this, verily we would have
killed them and cast them into the chapel of case." The four men
hearing such threatening words muttered to themselves, "There is
no Majesty and there is no Might save in Allah, the Glorious, the
Great;" but the Kazi said in his mind, "How remain Judge of this
city when I shall have been found garbed in gaberdine and bonnet
and dancing and tale-telling? and indeed this is the greater
death. Allah bring to ruin this adulteress of a woman!" Then the
Flesher took thought as follows, "How shall I continue to be
Chief of the Butchers when I prance about with a bonnet on my
pate? this is indeed a painful penalty!" Then quoth the
Gentleman, the Consul, "How shall it be with me when I am seen
dancing and donning a bonnet? indeed death by the sword were
lighter than this!" Then muttered the Trader which was the
woman's neighbour, "'Tis easier to kill myself with my own hand
than to endure all such ill." Anon the woman said to her husband,
"Inshallah--God willing--on the morrow we will bring them hither
to thy house that we may solace ourselves therewith;" but said
he, "Walláhi, hadst thou brought them this night 'twere better,
for that to-morrow evening I have business in the house of the
Chief Emir." Quoth she to him, "Now grant me immunity and give me
permission and I will arise and bring them to thee at this
moment, but each must come to thee alone and by himself." Quoth
he, "O Woman, leave I do give thee and immunity I do grant thee;"
whereupon she rose without stay or delay and went to the closet
wherein was the Judge. Then she opened it and entered, and taking
him by the hand dragged him forward and came out with him and set
him before her spouse garbed as he was in gaberdine and bonnet.
The house-master scrutinised him and was certified of his being
the Kazi and said to him, "Blessed be to thee, O our lord, this
bonnet and this gaberdine which become thee passing well." But
the Judge, as he stood before the presence of the woman's
husband, bowed his front downwards and was clothed as with a
garment in the sweat of shame and was sore abashed, when the Emir
said to him, "O our lord the Kazi, do thou dance for us a wee the
baboon dance and rejoice us; after which performance do thou tell
us a tale that our breasts may thereby be broadened." But when
the man said this to him, the Judge feared for his life because
he had heard and well remembered the words of the householder and
he fell to clapping his palms and prancing to right and left.
Hereupon the Emir laughed consumedly, he and his wife, and they
signed and signalled each to other deriding the judicial dance,
and the Kazi ceased not skipping until he fell to the floor for
his fatigue. Hereupon the man said to him, "Basta! Now tell us
thy tale that we may rejoice thereat; then do thou rise up and go
about thy business." "Hearkening and obedience," said the Judge
and forthright he began to relate the adventure of
The Tailor and the Lady and the Captain.[FN#364]
It is related that a Tailor was sitting in his shop facing a tall
house tenanted by a Yúzbáshi, and this man had a wife who was
unique for beauty and loveliness. Now one day of the days as she
looked out at the latticed window the Snip espied her and was
distraught by her comeliness and seemlihead. So he became
engrossed by love of her and remained all day a-gazing at the
casement disturbed and perturbed, and as often as she approached
the window and peered out therefrom, he would stare at her and
say to her, "O my lady and O core of my heart, good morning to
thee; and do thou have mercy upon one sore affected by his
affection to thee; one whose eyes sleep not by night for thy fair
sake." "This pimp be Jinn-mad!" quoth the Captain's wife, "and as
often as I look out at the window he dareth bespeak me: haply the
folk shall say, ‘Indeed she must needs be his mistress.'" But the
Tailor persevered in this proceeding for a while of days until
the lady was offended thereby and said in her mind, "Walláhi,
there is no help but that I devise for him a device which shall
make unlawful to him this his staring and casting sheep's eyes at
my casement; nay more, I will work for ousting him from his
shop." So one day of the days when the Yuzbashi went from home,
his wife arose and adorned and beautified herself, and donning
the bestest of what dresses and decorations she had, despatched
one of her slave-girls to the Tailor instructing her to say to
him, "My lady salameth to thee and biddeth thee come and drink
coffee with her." The handmaiden went to his shop and delivered
the message; and he, when hearing these words,[FN#365] waxed
bewildered of wits and rose up quivering in his clothes;--And
Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and
ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad,
"How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared with that I
would relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to
survive?" Now when it was the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Forty-third Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that when the
Tailor heard the girl's words, he quivered in his clothes; but
indeed he recked not aught of the wiles of womankind. So after
padlocking his shop he went with her to the house and walked
upstairs, where he was met by the lady with a face like the
rondure of the moon and she greeted him right merrily, and taking
him by the hand led him to a well-mattressed Divan and bade her
slave-girl serve him with coffee, and as he drank it she sat
facing him. Presently the twain fell to conversing, she and he;
and she soothed him with sweet speech, whilst he went clean out
of his mind for the excess of her beauty and loveliness. This
lasted until near midday, when she bade serve the dinner-trays,
and took seat in front of him, and he began picking up
morsels[FN#366] designed for his lips and teeth, but in lieu
thereof thrust them into his eye. She laughed at him, but hardly
had he swallowed the second mouthful and the third when behold,
the door was knocked, whereupon she looked out from the casement
and cried, "Oh my honour! this is my husband." Hereat the man's
hands and knees began to quake, and he said to her, "Whither
shall I wend?" Said she, "Go into this closet," and forthright
she thrust him into a cabinet and shot the bolt upon him and
taking the key she tare out one of its teeth[FN#367] and put it
in her pocket. After this she went down and opened the door to
her husband who walked upstairs; and finding the dinner trays
bespread, asked her, "What is this?" She answered, "I and my
lover have been dining together." "And what may be thy lover?"
"Here he is."[FN#368] "Where may he be?" to which she replied,
"He is inside this closet." Now as soon as the Tailor heard her
say this say, he piddled in his bag-breeches and befouled himself
and he was in a filthy state with skite and piss.[FN#369]
Hereupon the Captain asked, "And where's the key?" and she
answered, "Here it is with me."[FN#370] "Bring it out," said he,
so she pulled it from her pocket and handed it to him. The
Captain took the key from his spouse and applying it to the
wooden bolt of the cabinet rattled it to and fro[FN#371] but it
would not open; so the wife came up to him and cried, "Allah upon
thee, O my lord, what wilt thou do with my playmate?" Said he, "I
will slay him!" and said she, "No, 'tis my opinion that thou
hadst better pinion him and bind him as if crucified to the
pillar in the court floor and then smite him with thy sword upon
the neck and cut off his head; for I, during my born days, never
saw a criminal put to death and now 'tis my desire to sight one
done to die." "Sooth is thy speech," quoth he: so he took the key
and fitting it into the wooden bolt would have drawn it back, but
it could not move because a tooth had been drawn therefrom and
the while he was rattling at the bolt his wife said to him, "O my
lord,'tis my desire that thou lop off his hands and his feet
until he shall become marked by his maims;[FN#372] and after do
thou smite his neck." "A sensible speech," cried the husband and
during the whole time her mate was striving to pull the bolt she
kept saying to him, "Do this and do that with the fellow," and he
ceased not saying to her, "'Tis well." All this and the Tailor
sat hearkening to their words and melting in his skin; but at
last the wife burst out laughing until she fell upon her back and
her husband asked her, "Whereat this merriment?" Answered she, "I
make mock of thee for that thou art wanting in wits and wis.dom."
Quoth he, "Wherefore?" and quoth she, "O my lord, had I a lover
and had he been with me should I have told aught of him to thee?
Nay; I said in my mind, ‘Do such and such with the Captain and
let's see whether he will believe or disbelieve.' Now when I
spake thou didst credit me and it became apparent to me that thou
art wanting in wits." Cried he to her, "Allah disappoint thee!
Dost thou make jibe and jape of me? I also said in my thoughts,
‘How can a man be with her and she speak of him in the face of
me?'" So he arose and took seat with her, the twain close
together, at the dinner-tray and she fell to morselling him and
he to morselling her, and they laughed and ate until they had
their sufficiency and were filled; then they washed their hands
and drank coffee. After this they were cheered and they toyed
together and played the two-backed beast until their pleasure was
fulfilled and this was about mid-afternoon--And Shahrazad was
surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying
her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, "How sweet and
tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared with that I
would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me
to survive?" Now when it was the next night, and that was
The Seven Hundred and Forty-fifth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale, that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the
Yuzbashi fell to toying with his wife, and thrusting and foining
at her cleft,[FN#373] her solution of continuity, and she
wriggled to and fro to him, and bucked up and down, after which
he tumbled her and both were in gloria.[FN#374] This lasted until
near mid-afternoon when he arose and went forth to the Hammam.
But as soon as he left the house she opened the cabinet and
brought out the Tailor, saying, "Hast thou seen what awaiteth
thee, O pander, O impure? Now by Allah, an thou continue staring
at the windows or durst bespeak me with one single word it shall
be the death of thee. This time I have set thee free, but a
second time I will work to the wasting of thy heart's blood."
Cried he, "I will do so no more; no, never!" Thereupon said she
to her slave-girl, "O handmaid, open to him the door;" and she
did so, and he fared forth (and he foully bewrayed as to his
nether garments) until he had returned to his shop. Now when the
Emir heard the tale of the Kazi, he rejoiced thereat and said to
him, "Up and gang thy gait!" so the judge went off garbed in his
gaberdine and bonnet. Then said the house-master to his wife,
"This be one of the four, where's Number Two?" Hereat she arose
and opened the closet in which was the Gentleman and led him out
by the hand till he stood before her husband, who looked hard at
him and was certified of him and recognised him as the
Sháhbandar; so he said to him, "O Khwájah, when didst thou make
thee a droll?"[FN#375] but the other returned to him neither
answer nor address and only bowed his brow groundwards. Quoth the
house-master to him, "Dance for us a wee and when thou shalt have
danced do thou tell us a tale." So he fell perforce to clapping
his hands and skipping about until he fell down of fatigue when
he said, "O my lord, there is with me a rare story, and an
exceeding strange if thou of thy grace accord attention to my
words." "Tell on and I will listen to thee," quoth the other,
whereupon said the Gentleman, "'Tis concerning the wiles of
womankind," and fell to relating the adventures of
The Syrian and the Three Women of Cairo.[FN#376]
There was a man, a Shámí, who came to the God-guarded city of
Misr al-Káhirah--Misr of Mars--and with him was a store of money
and merchandize and sumptuous clothing. He hired for himself a
room in a caravanserai, and having no slave, he was wont to go
forth every day and roam about the city-thoroughfares and cater
for himself. Now this continued for a while of time till one day
of the days, as he was wandering and diverting his mind by
looking to the right and to the left, he was met on the way by
three women who were leaning and swaying one towards other as
they walked on laughing aloud; and each and every of the three
surpassed her fellow in beauty and loveliness. When he looked at
them his mustachios curled[FN#377] at the sight and he accosted
them and addressed the trio, saying, "May it be that ye will
drink coffee in my lodging?" "Indeed we will," said they, "and we
will make mirth with thee and exceeding merriment, passing even
the will of thee." Quoth he, "When shall it be?" and quoth they,
"To-night we will come to thy place." He continued, "I am living
in a room of Such-and-such a Wakálah."[FN#378] and they rejoined,
"Do thou make ready for us supper and we will visit thee after
the hour of night-prayers." He cried, "These words are well; " so
they left him and went their ways; and he, on the return way
home, bought flesh and greens and wine and perfumes; then, having
reached his room, he cooked five kinds of meats without including
rice and conserves, and made ready whatso for the table was
suitable. Now when it was supper-time behold, the women came in
to him, all three wearing capotes[FN#379] over their dresses, and
when they had entered they threw these cloaks off their shoulders
and took their seats as they were moons. Hereupon the Syrian
arose and set before them the food-trays and they ate their
sufficiency, after which he served to them the table of wine,
whereat they filled and passed to him and he accepted and swilled
until his head whirled round, and as often as he looked at any
one of them and considered her in her mould of beauty and
loveliness he was perplext and his wits were wildered. They
ceased not to be after such fashion until the noon o' night.--And
Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and
ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad,
"How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared with that I
would relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to
survive?" Now when it was the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Forty-seventh Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Syrian
and the three ladies ceased not to persevere in the drinking of
wine until the noon o' night, at which time he would not
distinguish between masculine and feminine from the excess of his
wine-bibbing, so he said to one of the three, "Allah upon thee, O
my lady, what may be the name of thee?" She replied, "I am hight
‘Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me?'" Whereat he exclaimed, "No,
Walláhi!" Then he up-propped himself on his elbow and rising from
the ground said to the second, "Thou, O my lady, and life-blood
of my heart, what is thy name?" She answered, "I am hight
‘Never-sawest-thou-my-like,'" and he replied, "Inshallah--what
Allah willeth--O my lady Never-sawest-thou-my-like." Then said he
to the third, "And thou, O dearling of my heart, what may be the
name of thee?" And said she, "I am hight
‘Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me.'" When he heard these words
he cried out with a loud outcry and fell to the ground saying,
"No, by Allah, O my lady
Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me."[FN#380] But when the three
women regarded him his reason was upset and they forced upon him
more wine-bibbing whilst he cried to them, "Fill for me, ho my
lady Never-sawest-thou-my-like, and thou too, my lady
Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me, and eke thou, O my lady
Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me." And they drove him to drink
still more until he fell to the ground without a vein
swelling[FN#381] for he had become drunken and dead drunk. When
they saw him in this condition they doffed his turband and
crowned him with a cap, and fringes projecting from the
peak,[FN#382] which they had brought with them; then they arose
and finding in his room a box full of raiment and ready money,
they rifled all that was therein. Presently they donned their
dresses and, waiting until the door of the Wakalah was opened
after the call to the morning-prayer, they went their ways and
the Veiler vouchsafed them protection[FN#383] and they left the
Syrian man in his room strown as a tried toper and unknowing what
the women had done with him of their wile and guile. Now when it
was the undurn-hour he awoke from his crapula and opening his
eyes, cried, "Ho my lady Never-sawest-thou-my-like! and ho my
lady Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me! and ho my lady
Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me!" But none returned to him any
reply. Then he pulled himself together and glanced carefully
around but his sight fell not upon anyone beside him, so he arose
and went to the box wherein he found never a single thing. This
restored him to his right senses and he recovered from his drink
and cried, "There is no Majesty and there is no Might save in
Allah, the Glorious, the Great: this be a judgment they have
wrought forme." Then he went forth still wearing the tall fringed
cap and knowing nothing of himself and, when he had issued from
his caravanserai, he cried to everyone he met in the streets, "I
am seeking Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me?" and the men would
reply, "No, I never sighted the like of thee;" and to a second he
would say, "I am looking for one
Never-sawest-thou-aught-like-me;" and the other would answer,
"Indeed, I never beheld thy fellow;" then he would ask a third,
"Hast thou seen one Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me?" and the
questioned would answer, "Indeed, I have looked at thee but I
know thee not at all." And he ceased not wandering about, bonnet
on head, and everyone who met him by the way returned to him the
like replies until he came upon a party of folk who were in front
of a barber's booth.[FN#384] There he cried upon them also, "Ah!
Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me! and Ah! Never-sawest-thou-my-like!
and Ah! Look-upon-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me!" Hereat,
understanding that he was touched in brain and this was a
judgment that had been wrought upon him, they seized him and
forced him into the barber's shop and bringing a mirror set it in
his hands. When he looked therein he found a fool's cap upon his
head, so forthwith he tore it off and took thought and said to
those present, "Who of you can guide me to those three women?"
They said to him, "O Syrian, march off with thyself to thy own
land for that the folk of Egypt can play with the egg and the
stone."[FN#385] So he arose without stay and delay; then, taking
what provaunt was sufficient for the way and what little of fine
raiment had been left to him, he quitted Cairo intending for his
own country. Now the Emir hearing this tale of the Shahbandar
wondered thereof with extreme wonderment and said to the
Gentleman, "An thou have finished do thou fare forth and go about
thy business." Accordingly he went from him still garbed in
gaberdine and bonnet on head when the house-master asked his
wife, "Who of them here remaineth with thee?" And she answered,
"Have patience and I will bring thee the third." So she arose and
opening another closet summoned the Flesher and taking him by the
hand, whilst he was ashamed and abashed, led him till he stood
before her spouse and the poor fellow availed not to raise his
eyes from the ground. Presently the husband considered him and
knew him and was certified that he was Such-and-such the Chief
Butcher and head of the craft, so he said to him, "Ho thou the
clever one, do thou dance for us a wee and after that tell us a
tale." Accordingly he stood up and clapped hands and fell to
dancing and prancing till such time as he dropped down for
fatigue; after which he said, "O my lord, I have by me a tale
anent the craft and cunning of women." Asked the other, "And what
may it be?" and the Butcher began to relate the tale of
The Lady with Two Coyntes.
It is told of a woman which was a fornicatress and adulteress and
a companion of catastrophes and calamities that she was married
to a Káim-makám[FN#386] who had none of the will of mankind to
womankind, at all, at all. Now the wife was possessed of beauty
and loveliness and she misliked him for that he had no desire to
carnal copulation, and there was in the house a Syce-man who was
dying for his love of her. But her husband would never quit his
quarters, and albeit her longing was that the horse-keeper might
possess her person and that she and he might lie together, this
was impossible to her. She abode perplext for some sleight
wherewith she might serve her mate, and presently she devised a
device and said to him, "O my lord, verily my mother is dead and
'tis my wish to hie me and be present at her burial and receive
visits of condolence for her; and, if she have left aught by way
of heritage, to take it and then fare back to thee." "Thou mayest
go," said he, and said she, "I dread to fare abroad alone and
unattended; nor am I able to walk, my parent's house being afar.
Do thou cry out to the Syce that he fetch me hither an ass and
accompany me to the house of my mother, wherein I shall lie some
three nights after the fashion of folk." Hereupon he called to
the horse-keeper and when he came before him, ordered the man to
bring an ass,[FN#387] and mount his mistress and hie with her;
and the fellow, hearing these words, was hugely delighted. So he
did as he was bidden, but instead of going to the house they
twain, he and she, repaired to a garden carrying with them a
flask of wine and disappeared for the whole day and made merry
and took their pleasure[FN#388] until set of sun. Then the man
brought up the ass and mounting her thereon went to his own home,
where the twain passed the entire night sleeping in mutual
embrace on each other's bosoms, and took their joyance and
enjoyment until it was morning tide. Hereupon he arose and did
with her as before, leading her to the garden, and the two, Syce
and dame, ceased not to be after this fashion for three days
solacing themselves and making merry and tasting of love-liesse.
On the fourth day he said to her, "Do thou return with us to the
house of the Kaim-makam," and said she, "No; not till we shall
have spent together three days more enjoying ourselves, I and
thou, and making merry till such time as I have had my full will
of thee and thou thy full will of me; and leave we yon
preposterous pimp to lie stretched out, as do the dogs,[FN#389]
enfolding his head between his two legs." So the twain ceased not
amusing themselves and taking their joyance and enjoyment until
they had ended the six days, and on the seventh they wended their
way home. They found the Kaim-makam sitting beside a slave which
was an old negress; and quoth he, "You have disappeared for a
long while!" and quoth she, "Yes, until we had ended with the
visits of condolence for that my mother was known to foyson of
the folk. But, O my lord, my parent (Allah have ruth upon her!)
hath left and bequeathed to me a somewhat exceeding nice." "What
may that be?" asked he, and answered she, "I will not tell thee
aught thereof at this time, nor indeed until we remain, I and
thou, in privacy of night, when I will describe it unto thee."--
And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent
and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister
Dunyazad, "How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how
enjoyable and delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared
with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the King
suffer me to survive?" Now when it was the next night and that
was
The Seven Hundred and Fifty-first Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the woman
said to her husband, "My mother hath left and bequeathed to me
somewhat, but I will not tell thee thereof till the coming night
when we twain shall be alone." "'Tis well," said he; after which
he continued to address himself, "Would Heaven I knew what hath
been left by the mother of our Harím!"[FN#390] Now when darkness
came on and he and she had taken seats together, he asked her,
"What may be the legacy thy mother left?" and she answered, "O my
lord, my mother hath bequeathed to me her Coynte being loath that
it be given to other save myself and therefore I have brought it
along with me." Quoth he of his stupidity (for he was like unto a
cosset),[FN#391] "Ho thou, solace me with the sight of thy
mother's Coynte." Hereupon she arose; and, doffing all she had on
her of dress until she was mother-naked, said to him, "O my lord,
I have stuck on my mother's Coynte hard by and in continuation of
mine own cleft and so the twain of them have remained each
adjoining other between my hips." He continued, "Let me see it;"
so she stood up before him and pointing to her parts, said, "This
which faceth thee is my coynte whereof thou art owner;" after
which she raised her backside and bowing her head groundwards
showed the nether end of her slit between the two swelling cheeks
of her sit-upon, her scat of honour, crying, "Look thou! this be
the Coynte of my mother; but, O my lord, 'tis my wish that we wed
it unto some good man and pleasant who is faithful and true and
not likely treason to do, for that the Coynte of my mother must
abide by me and whoso shall intermarry therewith I also must bow
down to him whilst he shall have his will thereof." Quoth the
Kaim-makam, "O sensible say! but we must seek and find for
ourselves a man who shall be agreeable and trustworthy,"
presently adding, "O woman, we will not give the Coynte of thy
mother in marriage to some stranger lest he trouble thee and
trouble me also; so let us bestow this boon upon our own Syce."
Replied the wife of her craft and cursedness, "Haply, O my lord,
the horsekeeper will befit us not;", yet the while she had set
her heart upon him. Rejoined the Kaim-makam her husband, "If so
it be that he have shown thee want of respect we will surely
relieve him of his lot." But after so speaking he said a second
time, "'Tis better that we give the Coynte of thy mother to the
Syce;" and she retorted, "Well and good! but do thou oblige him
that he keep strait watch upon himself." Hereat the man summoned
his servant before him and said to him, "Hear me, O Syce; verily
the mother of my wife to her hath bequeathed her Coynte, and 'tis
our intent to bestow it upon thee in lawful wedlock; yet beware
lest thou draw near that which is our own property." The
horsekeeper answered, "No, O my lord, I never will." Now after
they arrived at that agreement concerning the matter in question,
whenever the wife waxed hot with heat of lust she would send for
the Syce and take him and repair with him, he and she, to a place
of privacy within the Harem, whilst her mate remained sitting
thoroughly satisfied, and they would enjoy themselves to the
uttermost, after which the twain would come forth together. And
the Kaim-makam never ceased saying on such occasions, "Beware, O
Syce, lest thou poach upon that which is my property;" and at
such times the wife would exclaim, "By Allah, O my lord, he is a
true man and a trusty." So they continued for a while[FN#392] in
the enjoyment of their luxury and this was equally pleasurable to
the husband and wife and the lover. Now when the Emir heard this
tale from the Butcher, he began laughing until he fell upon his
back and anon he said to him, "Wend thy ways about thine own
work;" so the Flesher went forth from him not knowing what he
should do in his garb of gaberdine and bonnet. Hereupon the woman
arose and going to the fourth closet threw it open and summoned
and led the Trader man by the hand and set him before her husband
who looked hard at him in his droll's dress and recognised him
and was certified of him that he was his neighbour. So he said,
"Ho Such-an-one! Thou art our neighbour and never did we suspect
that thou wouldst strive to seduce our Harím;[FN#393] nay rather
did we expect thee to keep watch and ward over us and fend off
from us all evil.[FN#394] Now by Allah, those whom we have
dismissed wrought us no foul wrong even as thou wroughtest us in
this affair; for thou at all events art our neighbour. Thou
deservest in this matter that I slay thee out of hand, but
Default cometh not save from the Defaulter; therefore I will do
thee no harm at all as did I with thy fellows even save that
needs must thou tell us a tale whereby to rejoice us."[FN#395]
Quoth he, "Hearing and obeying," and herewith fell to relating
the story of
The Whorish Wife who Vaunted her Virtue.
It is related that once upon a time there was a man which was an
astronomer[FN#396] and he had a wife who was singular in beauty
and loveliness. Now she was ever and aye boasting and saying to
him "O man, there is not amongst womankind my peer in
nobility[FN#397] and chastity;" and as often as she repeated this
saying to him he would give credit to her words and cry,
"Walláhi, no man hath a wife like unto the lady my wife for high
caste and continence!" Now he was ever singing her praises in
every assembly; but one day of the days as he was sitting in a
séance of the great, who all were saying their says anent
womankind and feminine deeds and misdeeds, the man rose up and
exclaimed, "Amongst women there is none like my wife, for that
she is pure of blood and behaviour;" hereat one of those present
said to him, "Thou liest, O certain person!"--And Shahrazad was
surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying
her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, "How sweet and
tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared with that I
would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me
to survive?" Now when it was the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Fifty-fourth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that while the
man was singing the praises of his spouse one of those present
rose and said to him, "Walláhi, thou liest, O certain person!"
"Wherein do I lie?" quoth he, and quoth the other, "I will teach
thee and show thee manifestly whether thy wife be a lady or a
whore. Do thou rise up from amongst us and hie thee home and go
thou in to her and say, ‘O woman, I am intent upon travelling to
a certain place and being absent for a matter of four days and
after will return; so do thou arise, O woman, and bring me some
bread and a mould of cheese by way of viaticum.' Then go thou
forth from beside her and disappear for a while; and presently
returning home hide thee in a private place without uttering a
word." Cried those present, "By Allah, indeed these words may not
be blamed." Accordingly, the man went forth from them and fared
till he entered his house where he said, "O woman, bring me
something of provision for a journey: my design is to travel and
to be absent for a space of four days or haply six." Cried the
wife, "O my lord, thou art about to desolate me nor can I on any
wise bear parting from thee; and if thou needs must journey do
thou take me with thee." Now when the man heard these the words
of his wife he said to himself, "By Allah, there cannot be the
fellow of my spouse amongst the sum of womankind," presently
adding to her, "I shall be away from four to six days but do thou
keep watch and ward upon thyself and open not my door to anyone
at all." Quoth she, "O Man, how canst thou quit me?[FN#398] and
indeed I cannot suffer such separation." Quoth he, "I shall not
long be separated from thee;" and so saying he fared forth from
her and disappeared for the space of an hour, after which he
returned home softly walking and hid himself in a place where
none could see him. Now after the space of two hours behold, a
Costermonger[FN#399] came into the house and she met him and
salam'd to him and said, "What hast thou brought for me?" "Two
lengths of sugar-cane," said he, and said she, "Set them down in
a corner of the room." Then he asked her, "Whither is thy husband
gone?" and she answered, "On a journey: may Allah never bring him
back nor write his name among the saved and our Lord deliver me
from him as soon as possible!" After this she embraced him and he
embraced her and she kissed him and he kissed her and enjoyed her
favours till such time as he had his will of her; after which he
went his ways. When an hour had passed a Poulterer[FN#400] came
to the house, whereupon she arose and salam'd to him and said,
"What hast thou brought me?" He answered, "A pair of
pigeon-poults;" so she cried, "Place them under yon
vessel."[FN#401] Then the man went up to the woman and he
embraced her and she embraced him and he tumbled[FN#402] her and
she tumbled him; after which he had his will of her and presently
he went off about his own business. When two hours or so had gone
by there came to her another man which was a Gardener;[FN#403] so
she arose and met him with a meeting still fairer than the first
two and asked him, "What hast thou brought with thee?" "A
somewhat of pomegranates," answered he; so she took them from him
and led him to a secret place where she left him and changed her
dress and adorned herself and perfumed herself and Kohl'd[FN#404]
her eyes. After that she returned to the pomegranate-man and fell
a-toying with him and he toyed with her and she hugged him and he
hugged her and at last he rogered and had his wicked will of her
and went his ways. Hereupon the woman doffed her sumptuous dress
and garbed herself in her everyday garment. All this and the
husband was looking on through the chinks of the door behind
which he was lurking and listening to whatso befel, and when all
was ended he went forth softly and waited awhile and anon
returned home. Hereupon the wife arose and her glance falling
upon her husband she noted him and accosted him and salam'd to
him and said, "Hast thou not been absent at all?" Said he, "O
Woman, there befel me a tale on the way which may not be written
on any wise, save with foul water upon disks of dung,[FN#405] and
indeed I have endured sore toil and travail, and had not Allah
(be He praised and exalted!) saved me therefrom, I had never
returned." Quoth his wife, "What hath befallen thee?"--And
Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent, and
ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad,
"How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared with that I
would relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to
survive?" Now when it was the next night and that was
The Seven Hundred and Fifty-fifth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale, that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the wife
asked the husband saying, "What hath befallen thee on thy way?"
And he answered, "O Woman, when I went forth the town and took
the road, behold, a basilisk issued from his den and coming to
the highway stretched himself therealong, so I was unable to step
a single footstep; and indeed, O Woman, his length was that of
yon sugar cane, brought by the Costermonger and which thou
placedst in the corner. Also he had hair upon his head like the
feathers of the pigeon-poults presented to thee by the
Poulterer-man, and which thou hast set under the vessel; and
lastly, O Woman, his head was like the pomegranates which thou
tookest from the Market Gardener[FN#406] and carriedst within the
house." Whenas the wife heard these words, she lost command of
herself and her right senses went wrong and she became purblind
and deaf, neither seeing nor hearing, because she was certified
that her spouse had sighted and eye-witnessed what she had
wrought of waywardness and frowardness. Then the man continued to
her, "O Whore! O Fornicatress! O Adulteress! How durst thou say
to me, ‘There is not amongst womankind my better in nobility and
purity'? and this day I have beheld with my own eyes what thy
chastity may be. So do thou take thy belongings and go forth from
me and be off with thyself to thine own folk." And so saying he
divorced her with the triple divorce and thrust her forth the
house. Now when the Emir heard the aforetold tale from his
neighbour, he rejoiced therein; this being a notable wile of the
guiles of womankind which they are wont to work with men for
"Verily great is their craft."[FN#407] And presently he dismissed
the fourth lover, his neighbour, even as he had freed the other
three, and never again did such trouble befal him and his wife,
or from Kazi or from any other.[FN#408] And to the same purport
(quoth Shahrazad), to wit, the sleights and snares of the sex,
they also tell the tale of
