STORY OF THE TWO LACK-TACTS OF CAIRO AND
DAMASCUS.[FN#593]
Whilome in Cairo-city there was a man famed as a Lack-tact and
another in Damascus was celebrated for the like quality. Each had
heard of his compeer and longed to forgather with him and sundry
folk said to the Syrian, "Verily the Lack-tact of Egypt is
sharper than thou and a cleverer physiognomist and more
intelligent, and more penetrating, and much better company; also
he excelleth thee in debate proving the superiority of his lack
of tact." Whereto the Damascene would reply, "No, by Allah, I am
more tasteful in my lack of tact than yon Cairene;" but his
people ceased not to bespeak him on this wise until his heart was
filled full of their words; so one day of the days he cried, "By
Allah, there is no help for it but I fare for Cairo and forgather
with her Lack-tact." Hereupon he journeyed from Damascus and
ceased not wayfaring till he reached Cairo. The time was about
set of sun and the first who met him on the road was a woman; so
he asked her concerning certain of the highways of the city and
she answered, "What a Lack-tact thou must be to put such a
question at such an hour! Whoso entereth a strange place in the
morning enquireth about its highways, but whoso entereth at
eventide asketh about its caravanserai[FN#594] wherein he may
night." "Sooth thou sayest," rejoined he, "but my lack of tact
hath weakened my wits." He then sought news of the Khans and they
showed him one whereto he repaired and passed the night; and in
the morning--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and fell
silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister
Dunyazad, "How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and
enjoyable and delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared
with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran
suffer me to survive?" Now when it was the next night and that
was
The Eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the
Lack-tact of Damascus passed the night in the Wakálah and in the
morning he went forth and wandered about the highways of Cairo
questing her Lack-tact; and, when they informed him of his
rival's whereabouts, he forgathered with him and was received
with an honorable reception and was welcomed and kindly entreated
and comfortably seated that the twain might talk over the news of
the world. Presently quoth the Lack-tact of Damascus to the
Lack-tact of Cairo, "I would that we two test each other's
quality by playing a prank in turn; and whoso shall be preferred
by the testimony of the general, he shall lord it over his
rival." The Cairene asked, "Which of us shall begin?" and the
Damascene answered, "I," whereto the other rejoined, "Do whatso
thou willest." So the Syrian went forth and hired him an ass
which he drove out of the city to a neighbouring clump of
Ausaj-bushes[FN#595] and other thorns whereof he cut down a
donkey-load, and setting the net-full upon the beast's back
returned to the city. He then made for the Báb al-Nasr,[FN#596]
but he could not enter for the crowding of the folk frequenting
it and the Cairene was gladdened by his doings: so the man
stinted not standing there with his ass and load of thorns till
morn was near, when he lost his temper and urged his beast close
up to the gate. By so doing all the garments of the wayfarers
which were caught by the Ausaj-thorns were torn to rags and
tatters, and some of the people beat him and others buffetted him
and others shoved him about saying, "What a superior Lack-tact
thou art! Allah ruin thy natal realm! Thou hast torn folk's dress
to rags and tatters with that load of thorns." Still he drave his
donkey onwards albeit the people cried to him, "O man, withdraw
thee, the passengers are all jammed at the gate;" but he would
not retire and those present dealt him more blows and abuse.
Hereat he only cried, "Let me pass through!" and pushed on
whereby he obtained a severer beating. This lasted till
mid-afternoon, for he could on nowise enter by reason of the
crush at the Báb al-Nasr; but about sundown the crowd thinned and
so he drove on his ass and passed the gate. Then quoth to him the
Cairene, "What is this thou hast done? This is mere
horseplay[FN#597] and not lack of tact." Now on the morning of
the next day the Lack-tact of Cairo was required to play his
prank even as the Damascene had done; so he rose up and girded
his loins and tucked up his sleeves and took up a tray--And
Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and
ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad,
"How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and
delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared with that I
would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me
to survive?" Now when it was the next night and that was
The Eight Hundred and Thirty-eighth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
not sleeping, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the
watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love and
good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director,
the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of
deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Egyptian rose
up and girded his loins and tucked up his sleeves, and taking him
a tray said to the Syrian, "Up and after me and see what I shall
do." Then he went out tray on head, and foregoing the Damascene
to a flower-garden he gathered a bundle of blooms and
sweet-scented herbs, pinks and roses and basil and
pennyroyal[FN#598] and marjoram and other such, until the tray
was filled, after which he turned to town. About noontide he
repaired to one of the Cathedral-mosques and entered the
lavatory,[FN#599] around which were some fifteen privies:[FN#600]
so he stood amiddlemost the floor considering the folk as they
entered the jakes to do their jobs in private lest the
bazar-people come upon them during their easement. And all were
sore pressed wanting to pass urine or to skite; so whenever a man
entered the place in a hurry he would draw the door to. Then the
Lack-tact of Cairo would pull the door open, and go in to him
carrying a posy of perfumed herbs, and would say, "Thy
favour![FN#601] O my brother," and the man would shout out
saying, "Allah ruin thy natal realm, are we at skite or at
feast?" whereat all standing there would laugh at him. Suddenly
one rushed into the lavatory sore pressed and hanging an
arse[FN#602] and crying aloud in his grievous distress, "O Allah,
O His Prophet, aid me!" for that he feared to let fly in his
bag-trousers. Then the Lack-tact would accost him holding in hand
his posy of perfumed herbs, and softly saying, "Bismillah-take
it, and give me thy favour;" and the man would roar at the top of
his voice, "Allah disappoint thee! what a Lack-tact thou art: I
am sore pressed; get thee out." And the further that man would
fare away from him the closer he would follow him saying, "Thy
favour! Take it! Smell it!" Now at that time all the cabinets of
easement were full of people, nor did one remain vacant, and the
distressed man stood there expecting someone to issue that he
might enter; but in his condition the delay was over-long--And
Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased
saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, "How
sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and enjoyable and
delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this compared with that I
would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me
to survive?" Now when it was the next night and that was
The Eight Hundred and Thirty-ninth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the
Cairene Lack-tact kept bespeaking that sorely distressed man and
following him as he fled, crying out to him and saying, "Away
from me, am I not this moment about to skite or am I at a feast?"
till at last the excess of weight in his arse-gut caused him to
let fly in his bag-trousers and bewray all his behind. And during
this time none came out of the jakes, so the unhappy sat in his
unease and all the folk seeing him conskite himself fell to
laughing at him as he sat there, and the Lack-tact of Cairo
continued offering him the posy, saying, "Thy favour!" and the
other continned shouting his loudest, "Am I at skite or at a
feast?" Thereupon the Lack-tact of Damascus turned to his rival
and cried, "The Fátihah[FN#603] is in thy books, O Chief Joker of
Cairo. By Allah (and the Almighty grant thee length of life!)
thou hast excelled me in everything, and they truly say that none
can surpass or overcome the Cairene and men have agreed to
declare that the Syrian winneth his wish and gaineth only blame,
while the Egyptian winneth not his wish and gaineth thanks and
praise." And amongst other things it happened[FN#604] that a
Cairene went to borrow a donkey from another man, a Damascene,
wishing to ride it to a wedding, and when he met his friend he
saluted him and said, "Ho Such-an-one, lend me thine ass for such
a purpose." Now when the owner of the animal heard these words he
smote hand upon hand and cried, "O worshipper of Allah,[FN#605] a
little while ere thou camest to me, a man urgently asked it of me
and took it on loan: haddest thou been somewhat earlier I would
have lent it to thee. Verily I am put to shame by thee as thou
goest from me without thy need." The Egyptian said in his mind,
"By Allah, this one speaketh sooth, and had the donkey been in
his house assuredly he would have lent it to me." But the owner
of the animal said to himself, "Certainly Such-an-one begged it
of me, but the rest is a lie, for the beast is shut up in the
stable." However the Syrian who owned the beast went to his
gossip, the man who had begged a loan of it, and entering the
house salam'd to him and said, "Give me the donkey, O
Such-an-one;"--And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and
fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her
sister Dunyazad, "How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how
enjoy able and delectable!" Quoth she, "And where is this
compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an
the Sovran suffer me to survive?" Now when it was the next night
and that was
The Eight Hundred and Fortieth Night,
Dunyazad said to her, "Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be
other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short
the watching of this our latter night!" She replied, "With love
and good will!" It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the
director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting
and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Syrian
went to his gossip saying, "Give me the ass;" and when the other
heard this he showed his teeth[FN#606] and cried, "Allah
disappoint the donkey and the owner of the donkey and whoso
rideth the donkey," and flying into an exceeding fury at last
said, "Go, O my lord, and take it from the stable, and may Allah
never bring back nor thee nor the beast." So the Syrian went from
him saying in himself, "Allah disappoint this fellow, why did he
not give me the ass at first and then he had not had occasion to
abuse and curse himself and to revile me also." But they say and
say truly, "The Syrian winneth his wish, but gaineth only blame
while the Egyptian winneth not his wish and gaineth thanks and
praise!"
