CHAPTER XLI.
"DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE."
I had for a day or two fancied that Marion was looking less bright than
usual, as if some little shadow had fallen upon the morning of her life. I
say _morning_, because, although Marion must now have been seven or eight
and twenty, her life had always seemed to me lighted by a cool, clear, dewy
morning sun, over whose face it now seemed as if some film of noonday cloud
had begun to gather. Unwilling at once to assert the ultimate privilege
of friendship, I asked her if any thing was amiss with her friends. She
answered that all was going on well, at least so far that she had no
special anxiety about any of them. Encouraged by a half-conscious and more
than half-sad smile, I ventured a little farther.
"I am afraid there is something troubling you," I said.
"There is," she replied, "something troubling me a good deal; but I hope it
will pass away soon."
The sigh which followed, however, was deep though gentle, and seemed to
indicate a fear that the trouble might not pass away so very soon.
"I am not to ask you any questions, I suppose," I returned.
"Better not at present," she answered. "I am not quite sure that"--
She paused several moments before finishing her sentence, then added,--
"--that I am at liberty to tell you about it."
"Then don't say another word," I rejoined. "Only when I can be of service
to you, you _will_ let me, won't you?"
The tears rose to her eyes.
"I'm afraid it may be some fault of mine," she said. "I don't know. I can't
tell. I don't understand such things."
She sighed again, and held her peace.
It was enigmatical enough. One thing only was clear, that at present I was
not wanted. So I, too, held my peace, and in a few minutes Marion went,
with a more affectionate leave-taking than usual, for her friendship was
far less demonstrative than that of most women.
I pondered, but it was not of much use. Of course the first thing that
suggested itself was, Could my angel be in love? and with some mortal mere?
The very idea was a shock, simply from its strangeness. Of course, being
a woman, she _might_ be in love; but the two ideas, _Marion_ and _love_,
refused to coalesce. And again, was it likely that such as she, her mind
occupied with so many other absorbing interests, would fall in love
unprovoked, unsolicited? That, indeed, was not likely. Then if, solicited,
she but returned love for love, why was she sad? The new experience might,
it is true, cause such commotion in a mind like hers as to trouble her
greatly. She would not know what to do with it, nor where to accommodate
her new inmate so as to keep him from meddling with affairs he had no right
to meddle with: it was easy enough to fancy him troublesome in a house
like hers. But surely of all women _she_ might be able to meet her own
liabilities. And if this were all, why should she have said she hoped it
would soon pass? That might, however, mean only that she hoped soon to get
her guest brought amenable to her existing household economy.
There was yet a conjecture, however, which seemed to suit the case better.
If Marion knew little of what is commonly called love, that is, "the
attraction of correlative unlikeness," as I once heard it defined by a
metaphysical friend of my father's, there was no one who knew more of
the tenderness of compassion than she; and was it not possible some one
might be wanting to marry her to whom she could not give herself away?
This conjecture was at least ample enough to cover the facts in my
possession--which were scanty indeed, in number hardly dual. But who was
there to dare offer love to my saint? Roger? Pooh! pooh! Mr. Blackstone?
Ah! I had seen him once lately looking at her with an expression of more
than ordinary admiration. But what man that knew any thing of her could
help looking at her with such an admiration? If it was Mr. Blackstone--why,
_he_ might dare--yes, why should he not dare to love her?--especially if he
couldn't help it, as, of course, he couldn't. Was he not one whose love,
simply because he was a _true_ man from the heart to the hands, would honor
any woman, even Saint Clare--as she must be when the church has learned to
do its business without the pope? Only he mustn't blame me, if, after all,
I should think he offered less than he sought; or her, if, entertaining
no question of worth whatever, she should yet refuse to listen to him as,
truly, there was more than a possibility she might.
If it were Mr. Blackstone, certainly I knew no man who could understand her
better, or whose modes of thinking and working would more thoroughly fall
in with her own. True, he was peculiar; that is, he had kept the angles of
his individuality, for all the grinding of the social mill; his manners
were too abrupt, and drove at the heart of things too directly, seldom
suggesting a _by-your-leave_ to those whose prejudices he overturned: true,
also, that his person, though dignified, was somewhat ungainly,--with
an ungainliness, however, which I could well imagine a wife learning
absolutely to love; but, on the whole, the thing was reasonable. Only, what
would become of her friends? There, I could hardly doubt, there lay the
difficulty! Ay, _there_ was the rub!
Let no one think, when I say we went to Mr. Blackstone's church the next
Sunday, that it had any thing to do with these speculations. We often went
on the first Sunday of the month.
"What's the matter with Blackstone?" said my husband as we came home.
"What do _you_ think is the matter with him?" I returned.
"I don't know. He wasn't himself."
"I thought he was more than himself," I rejoined; "for I never heard even
_him_ read the litany with such fervor."
"In some of the petitions," said Percivale, "it amounted to a suppressed
agony of supplication. I am certain he is in trouble."
I told him my suspicions.
"Likely--very likely," he answered, and became thoughtful.
"But you don't think she refused him?" he said at length.
"If he ever asked her," I returned, "I fear she did; for she is plainly in
trouble too."
"She'll never stick to it," he said.
"You mustn't judge Marion by ordinary standards," I replied. "You must
remember she has not only found her vocation, but for many years proved it.
I never knew her turned aside from what she had made up her mind to. I can
hardly imagine her forsaking her friends to keep house for any man, even if
she loved him with all her heart. She is dedicated as irrevocably as any
nun, and will, with St. Paul, cling to the right of self-denial."
"Yet what great difficulty would there be in combining the two sets of
duties, especially with such a man as Blackstone? Of all the men I know,
he comes the nearest to her in his devotion to the well-being of humanity,
especially of the poor. Did you ever know a man with such a plentiful lack
of condescension? His feeling of human equality amounts almost to a fault;
for surely he ought sometimes to speak as knowing better than they to whom
he speaks. He forgets that too many will but use his humility for mortar to
build withal the Shinar-tower of their own superiority."
"That may be; yet it remains impossible for him to assume any thing. He is
the same all through, and--I had almost said--worthy of Saint Clare. Well,
they must settle it for themselves. We can do nothing."
"We can do nothing," he assented; and, although we repeatedly reverted to
the subject on the long way home, we carried no conclusions to a different
result.
Towards evening of the same Sunday, Roger came to accompany us, as I
thought, to Marion's gathering, but, as it turned out, only to tell me
he couldn't go. I expressed my regret, and asked him why. He gave me no
answer, and his lip trembled. A sudden conviction seized me. I laid my hand
on his arm, but could only say, "Dear Roger!" He turned his head aside,
and, sitting down on the sofa, laid his forehead on his hand.
"I'm so sorry!" I said.
"She has told you, then?" he murmured.
"No one has told me any thing."
He was silent. I sat down beside him. It was all I could do. After a moment
he rose, saying,--
"There's no good whining about it, only she might have made a man of me.
But she's quite right. It's a comfort to think I'm so unworthy of her.
That's all the consolation left me, but there's more in that than you would
think till you try it."
He attempted to laugh, but made a miserable failure of it, then rose and
caught up his hat to go. I rose also.
"Roger," I said, "I can't go, and leave you miserable. We'll go somewhere
else,--anywhere you please, only you mustn't leave us."
"I don't want to go somewhere else. I don't know the place," he added, with
a feeble attempt at his usual gayety.
"Stop at home, then, and tell me all about it. It will do you good to talk.
You shall have your pipe, and you shall tell me just as much as you like,
and keep the rest to yourself."
If you want to get hold of a man's deepest confidence, tell him to smoke in
your drawing-room. I don't know how it is, but there seems no trouble in
which a man can't smoke. One who scorns extraneous comfort of every other
sort, will yet, in the profoundest sorrow, take kindly to his pipe. This
is more wonderful than any thing I know about our kind. But I fear the
sewing-machines will drive many women to tobacco.
I ran to Percivale, gave him a hint of how it was, and demanded his pipe
and tobacco-pouch directly, telling him he must content himself with a
cigar.
Thus armed with the calumet, as Paddy might say, I returned to Roger, who
took it without a word of thanks, and began to fill it mechanically, but
not therefore the less carefully. I sat down, laid my hands in my lap, and
looked at him without a word. When the pipe was filled I rose and got him a
light, for which also he made me no acknowledgment. The revenge of putting
it in print is sweet. Having whiffed a good many whiffs in silence, he took
at length his pipe from his mouth, and, as he pressed the burning tobacco
with a forefinger, said,--
"I've made a fool of myself, Wynnie."
"Not more than a gentleman had a right to do, I will pledge myself," I
returned.
"She _has_ told you, then?" he said once more, looking rather disappointed
than annoyed.
"No one has mentioned your name to me, Roger. I only guessed it from what
Marion said when I questioned her about her sad looks."
"Her sad looks?"
"Yes."
"What did she say?" he asked eagerly.
"She only confessed she had had something to trouble her, and said she
hoped it would be over soon."
"I dare say!" returned Roger dryly, looking gratified, however, for a
moment.
My reader may wonder that I should compromise Marion, even so far as to
confess that she was troubled; but I could not bear that Roger should think
she had been telling his story to me. Every generous woman feels that she
owes the man she refuses at least silence; and a man may well reckon upon
that much favor. Of all failures, why should this be known to the world?
The relief of finding she had not betrayed him helped him, I think, to open
his mind: _he_ was under no obligation to silence.
"You see, Wynnie," he said, with pauses, and puffs at his pipe, "I don't
mean I'm a fool for falling in love with Marion. Not to have fallen in love
with her would have argued me a beast. Being a man, it was impossible for
me to help it, after what she's been to me. But I was worse than a fool
to open my mouth on the subject to an angel like her. Only there again, I
couldn't, that is, I hadn't the strength to help it. I beg, however, you
won't think me such a downright idiot as to fancy myself worthy of her. In
that case, I should have deserved as much scorn as she gave me kindness. If
you ask me how it was, then, that I dared to speak to her on the subject, I
can only answer that I yielded to the impulse common to all kinds of love
to make itself known. If you love God, you are not content with his knowing
it even, but you must tell him as if he didn't know it. You may think from
this cool talk of mine that I am very philosophical about it; but there are
lulls in every storm, and I am in one of those lulls, else I shouldn't be
sitting here with you."
"Dear Roger!" I said, "I am very sorry for your disappointment. Somehow, I
can't be sorry you should have loved"--
"_Have loved!_" he murmured.
"_Should love_ Marion, then," I went on. "That can do you nothing but good,
and in itself must raise you above yourself. And how could I blame you,
that, loving her, you wanted her to know it? But come, now, if you can
trust me, tell me all about it, and especially what she said to you. I
dare not give you any hope, for I am not in her confidence in this matter;
and it is well that I am not, for then I might not be able to talk to you
about it with any freedom. To confess the real truth, I do not see much
likelihood, knowing her as I do, that she will recall her decision."
"It could hardly be called a decision," said Roger. "You would not have
thought, from the way she took it, there was any thing to decide about. No
more there was; and I thought I knew it, only I couldn't be quiet. To think
you know a thing, and to know it, are two very different matters, however.
But I don't repent having spoken my mind: if I am humbled, I am not
humiliated. If she _had_ listened to me, I fear I should have been ruined
by pride. I should never have judged myself justly after it. I wasn't
humble, though I thought I was. I'm a poor creature, Ethelwyn."
"Not too poor a creature to be dearly loved, Roger. But go on and tell me
all about it. As your friend and sister, I am anxious to hear the whole."
Notwithstanding what I had said, I was not moved by sympathetic curiosity
alone, but also by the vague desire of rendering some help beyond comfort.
What he had now said, greatly heightened my opinion of him, and thereby, in
my thoughts of the two, lessened the distance between him and Marion. At
all events, by hearing the whole, I should learn how better to comfort him.
And he did tell me the whole, which, along with what I learned afterwards
from Marion, I will set down as nearly as I can, throwing it into the form
of direct narration. I will not pledge myself for the accuracy of every
trifling particular which that form may render it necessary to introduce;
neither, I am sure, having thus explained, will my reader demand it of me.
