CHAPTER XXIV--THE INN-KEEPER OF KIRKBY-LONSDALE
I had hitherto conceived and partly carried out an ideal that was
dear to my heart. Rowley and I descended from our claret-coloured
chaise, a couple of correctly dressed, brisk, bright-eyed young
fellows, like a pair of aristocratic mice; attending singly to our
own affairs, communicating solely with each other, and that with
the niceties and civilities of drill. We would pass through the
little crowd before the door with high-bred preoccupation,
inoffensively haughty, after the best English pattern; and
disappear within, followed by the envy and admiration of the
bystanders, a model master and servant, point-device in every part.
It was a heavy thought to me, as we drew up before the inn at
Kirkby-Lonsdale, that this scene was now to be enacted for the last
time. Alas! and had I known it, it was to go of with so inferior a
grace!
I had been injudiciously liberal to the post-boys of the chaise and
four. My own post-boy, he of the patched breeches, now stood
before me, his eyes glittering with greed, his hand advanced. It
was plain he anticipated something extraordinary by way of a
pourboire; and considering the marches and counter-marches by which
I had extended the stage, the military character of our affairs
with Mr. Bellamy, and the bad example I had set before him at the
archdeacon's, something exceptional was certainly to be done. But
these are always nice questions, to a foreigner above all: a shade
too little will suggest niggardliness, a shilling too much smells
of hush-money. Fresh from the scene at the archdeacon's, and
flushed by the idea that I was now nearly done with the
responsibilities of the claret-coloured chaise, I put into his
hands five guineas; and the amount served only to waken his
cupidity.
'O, come, sir, you ain't going to fob me of with this? Why, I seen
fire at your side!' he cried.
It would never do to give him more; I felt I should become the
fable of Kirkby-Lonsdale if I did; and I looked him in the face,
sternly but still smiling, and addressed him with a voice of
uncompromising firmness.
'If you do not like it, give it back,' said I.
He pocketed the guineas with the quickness of a conjurer, and, like
a base-born cockney as he was, fell instantly to casting dirt.
''Ave your own way of it, Mr. Ramornie--leastways Mr. St. Eaves, or
whatever your blessed name may be. Look 'ere'--turning for
sympathy to the stable-boys--'this is a blessed business. Blessed
'ard, I calls it. 'Ere I takes up a blessed son of a pop-gun what
calls hisself anything you care to mention, and turns out to be a
blessed mounseer at the end of it! 'Ere 'ave I been drivin' of him
up and down all day, a-carrying off of gals, a-shootin' of
pistyils, and a-drinkin' of sherry and hale; and wot does he up and
give me but a blank, blank, blanketing blank!'
The fellow's language had become too powerful for reproduction, and
I passed it by.
Meanwhile I observed Rowley fretting visibly at the bit; another
moment, and he would have added a last touch of the ridiculous to
our arrival by coming to his hands with the postillion.
'Rowley!' cried I reprovingly.
Strictly it should have been Gammon; but in the hurry of the
moment, my fault (I can only hope) passed unperceived. At the same
time I caught the eye of the postmaster. He was long and lean, and
brown and bilious; he had the drooping nose of the humourist, and
the quick attention of a man of parts. He read my embarrassment in
a glance, stepped instantly forward, sent the post-boy to the
rightabout with half a word, and was back next moment at my side.
'Dinner in a private room, sir? Very well. John, No. 4! What
wine would you care to mention? Very well, sir. Will you please
to order fresh horses? Not, sir? Very well.'
Each of these expressions was accompanied by something in the
nature of a bow, and all were prefaced by something in the nature
of a smile, which I could very well have done without. The man's
politeness was from the teeth outwards; behind and within, I was
conscious of a perpetual scrutiny: the scene at his doorstep, the
random confidences of the post-boy, had not been thrown away on
this observer; and it was under a strong fear of coming trouble
that I was shown at last into my private room. I was in half a
mind to have put off the whole business. But the truth is, now my
name had got abroad, my fear of the mail that was coming, and the
handbills it should contain, had waxed inordinately, and I felt I
could never eat a meal in peace till I had severed my connection
with the claret-coloured chaise.
Accordingly, as soon as I had done with dinner, I sent my
compliments to the landlord and requested he should take a glass of
wine with me. He came; we exchanged the necessary civilities, and
presently I approached my business.
'By the bye,' said I, 'we had a brush down the road to-day. I dare
say you may have heard of it?'
He nodded.
'And I was so unlucky as to get a pistol ball in the panel of my
chaise,' I continued, 'which makes it simply useless to me. Do you
know any one likely to buy?'
'I can well understand that,' said the landlord, 'I was looking at
it just now; it's as good as ruined, is that chaise. General rule,
people don't like chaises with bullet-holes.'
'Too much Romance of the Forest?' I suggested, recalling my little
friend of the morning, and what I was sure had been her favourite
reading--Mrs. Radcliffe's novels.
'Just so,' said he. 'They may be right, they may be wrong; I'm not
the judge. But I suppose it's natural, after all, for respectable
people to like things respectable about them; not bullet-holes, nor
puddles of blood, nor men with aliases.'
I took a glass of wine and held it up to the light to show that my
hand was steady.
'Yes,' said I, 'I suppose so.'
'You have papers, of course, showing you are the proper owner?' he
inquired.
'There is the bill, stamped and receipted,' said I, tossing it
across to him.
He looked at it.
'This all you have?' he asked.
'It is enough, at least,' said I. 'It shows you where I bought and
what I paid for it.'
'Well, I don't know,' he said. 'You want some paper of
identification.'
'To identify the chaise?' I inquired.
'Not at all: to identify YOU,' said he.
'My good sir, remember yourself!' said I. 'The title-deeds of my
estate are in that despatch-box; but you do not seriously suppose
that I should allow you to examine them?'
'Well, you see, this paper proves that some Mr. Ramornie paid
seventy guineas for a chaise,' said the fellow. 'That's all well
and good; but who's to prove to me that you are Mr. Ramornie?'
'Fellow!' cried I.
'O, fellow as much as you please!' said he. 'Fellow, with all my
heart! That changes nothing. I am fellow, of course--obtrusive
fellow, impudent fellow, if you like--but who are you? I hear of
you with two names; I hear of you running away with young ladies,
and getting cheered for a Frenchman, which seems odd; and one thing
I will go bail for, that you were in a blue fright when the post-
boy began to tell tales at my door. In short, sir, you may be a
very good gentleman; but I don't know enough about you, and I'll
trouble you for your papers, or to go before a magistrate. Take
your choice; if I'm not fine enough, I hope the magistrates are.'
'My good man,' I stammered, for though I had found my voice, I
could scarce be said to have recovered my wits, 'this is most
unusual, most rude. Is it the custom in Westmorland that gentlemen
should be insulted?'
'That depends,' said he. 'When it's suspected that gentlemen are
spies it IS the custom; and a good custom, too. No no,' he broke
out, perceiving me to make a movement. 'Both hands upon the table,
my gentleman! I want no pistol balls in my chaise panels.'
'Surely, sir, you do me strange injustice!' said I, now the master
of myself. 'You see me sitting here, a monument of tranquillity:
pray may I help myself to wine without umbraging you?'
I took this attitude in sheer despair. I had no plan, no hope.
The best I could imagine was to spin the business out some minutes
longer, then capitulate. At least, I would not capituatle one
moment too soon.
'Am I to take that for NO?' he asked.
'Referring to your former obliging proposal?' said I. 'My good
sir, you are to take it, as you say, for "No." Certainly I will
not show you my deeds; certainly I will not rise from table and
trundle out to see your magistrates. I have too much respect for
my digestion, and too little curiosity in justices of the peace.'
He leaned forward, looked me nearly in the face, and reached out
one hand to the bell-rope. 'See here, my fine fellow!' said he.
'Do you see that bell-rope? Let me tell you, there's a boy waiting
below: one jingle, and he goes to fetch the constable.'
'Do you tell me so?' said I. 'Well, there's no accounting for
tastes! I have a prejudice against the society of constables, but
if it is your fancy to have one in for the dessert--' I shrugged
my shoulders lightly. 'Really, you know,' I added, 'this is vastly
entertaining. I assure you, I am looking on, with all the interest
of a man of the world, at the development of your highly original
character.'
He continued to study my face without speech, his hand still on the
button of the bell-rope, his eyes in mine; this was the decisive
heat. My face seemed to myself to dislimn under his gaze, my
expression to change, the smile (with which I had began) to
degenerate into the grin of the man upon the rack. I was besides
harassed with doubts. An innocent man, I argued, would have
resented the fellow's impudence an hour ago; and by my continued
endurance of the ordeal, I was simply signing and sealing my
confession; in short, I had reached the end of my powers.
'Have you any objection to my putting my hands in my breeches
pockets?' I inquired. 'Excuse me mentioning it, but you showed
yourself so extremely nervous a moment back.' My voice was not all
I could have wished, but it sufficed. I could hear it tremble, but
the landlord apparently could not. He turned away and drew a long
breath, and you may be sure I was quick to follow his example.
'You're a cool hand at least, and that's the sort I like,' said he.
'Be you what you please, I'll deal square. I'll take the chaise
for a hundred pound down, and throw the dinner in.'
'I beg your pardon,' I cried, wholly mystified by this form of
words.
'You pay me a hundred down,' he repeated, 'and I'll take the
chaise. It's very little more than it cost,' he added, with a
grin, 'and you know you must get it off your hands somehow.'
I do not know when I have been better entertained than by this
impudent proposal. It was broadly funny, and I suppose the least
tempting offer in the world. For all that, it came very welcome,
for it gave me the occasion to laugh. This I did with the most
complete abandonment, till the tears ran down my cheeks; and ever
and again, as the fit abated, I would get another view of the
landlord's face, and go off into another paroxysm.
'You droll creature, you will be the death of me yet!' I cried,
drying my eyes.
My friend was now wholly disconcerted; he knew not where to look,
nor yet what to say; and began for the first time to conceive it
possible he was mistaken.
'You seem rather to enjoy a laugh, sir,' said he.
'O, yes! I am quite an original,' I replied, and laughed again.
Presently, in a changed voice, he offered me twenty pounds for the
chaise; I ran him up to twenty-five, and closed with the offer:
indeed, I was glad to get anything; and if I haggled, it was not in
the desire of gain, but with the view at any price of securing a
safe retreat. For although hostilities were suspended, he was yet
far from satisfied; and I could read his continued suspicions in
the cloudy eye that still hovered about my face. At last they took
shape in words.
'This is all very well,' says he: 'you carry it off well; but for
all that, I must do my duty.'
I had my strong effect in reserve; it was to burn my ships with a
vengeance! I rose. 'Leave the room,' said I. 'This is
insuperable. Is the man mad?' And then, as if already half-
ashamed of my passion: 'I can take a joke as well as any one,' I
added; 'but this passes measure. Send my servant and the bill.'
When he had left me alone, I considered my own valour with
amazement. I had insulted him; I had sent him away alone; now, if
ever, he would take what was the only sensible resource, and fetch
the constable. But there was something instinctively treacherous
about the man which shrank from plain courses. And, with all his
cleverness, he missed the occasion of fame. Rowley and I were
suffered to walk out of his door, with all our baggage, on foot,
with no destination named, except in the vague statement that we
were come 'to view the lakes'; and my friend only watched our
departure with his chin in his hand, still moodily irresolute.
I think this one of my great successes. I was exposed, unmasked,
summoned to do a perfectly natural act, which must prove my doom
and which I had not the slightest pretext for refusing. I kept my
head, stuck to my guns, and, against all likelihood, here I was
once more at liberty and in the king's highway. This was a strong
lesson never to despair; and, at the same time, how many hints to
be cautious! and what a perplexed and dubious business the whole
question of my escape now appeared! That I should have risked
perishing upon a trumpery question of a pourboire, depicted in
lively colours the perils that perpetually surrounded us. Though,
to be sure, the initial mistake had been committed before that; and
if I had not suffered myself to be drawn a little deep in
confidences to the innocent Dolly, there need have been no tumble
at the inn of Kirkby-Lonsdale. I took the lesson to heart, and
promised myself in the future to be more reserved. It was none of
my business to attend to broken chaises or shipwrecked travellers.
I had my hands full of my own affairs; and my best defence would be
a little more natural selfishness and a trifle less imbecile good-
nature.
