CHAPTER III.
At this time we were living in what may be called a very respectable
style for people who made no pretence to ostentation. On the skirts of
a large village stood a square red-brick house, about the date of Queen
Anne. Upon the top of the house was a balustrade,--why, Heaven knows,
for nobody, except our great tom-cat, Ralph, ever walked upon the leads;
but so it was, and so it often is in houses from the time of Elizabeth,
yea, even to that of Victoria. This balustrade was divided by low
piers, on each of which was placed a round ball. The centre of the
house was distinguishable by an architrave in the shape of a triangle,
under which was a niche,--probably meant for a figure; but the figure
was not forthcoming. Below this was the window (encased with carved
pilasters) of my dear mother's little sitting-room; and lower still,
raised on a flight of six steps, was a very handsome-looking door, with
a projecting porch. All the windows, with smallish panes and largish
frames, were relieved with stone copings; so that the house had an air
of solidity and well-to-do-ness about it,--nothing tricky on the one
hand, nothing decayed on the other. The house stood a little back from
the garden gates, which were large, and set between two piers surmounted
with vases. Many might object that in wet weather you had to walk some
way to your carriage; but we obviated that objection by not keeping a
carriage. To the right of the house the enclosure contained a little
lawn, a laurel hermitage, a square pond, a modest greenhouse, and half-
a-dozen plots of mignonette, heliotrope, roses, pinks, sweet-William,
etc. To the left spread the kitchen-garden, lying screened by espaliers
yielding the finest apples in the neighborhood, and divided by three
winding gravel-walks, of which the extremest was backed by a wall,
whereon, as it lay full south, peaches, pears, and nectarines sunned
themselves early into well-remembered flavor. This walk was
appropriated to my father. Book in hand, he would, on fine days, pace
to and fro, often stopping, dear man, to jot down a pencil-note,
gesticulate, or soliloquize. And there, when not in his study, my
mother would be sure to find him. In these deambulations, as he called
them, he had generally a companion so extraordinary that I expect to be
met with a hillalu of incredulous contempt when I specify it.
Nevertheless I vow and protest that it is strictly true, and no
invention of an exaggerating romancer. It happened one day that my
mother had coaxed Mr. Caxton to walk with her to market. By the way
they passed a sward of green, on which sundry little boys were engaged
upon the lapidation of a lame duck. It seemed that the duck was to have
been taken to market, when it was discovered not only to be lame, but
dyspeptic,--perhaps some weed had disagreed with its ganglionic
apparatus, poor thing. However that be, the good-wife had declared that
the duck was good for nothing; and upon the petition of her children, it
had been consigned to them for a little innocent amusement, and to keep
them out of harm's way. My mother declared that she never before saw
her lord and master roused to such animation. He dispersed the urchins,
released the duck, carried it home, kept it in a basket by the fire, fed
it and physicked it till it recovered; and then it was consigned to the
square pond. But lo! the duck knew its benefactor; and whenever my
father appeared outside his door, it would catch sight of him, flap from
the pond, gain the lawn, and hobble after him (for it never quite
recovered the use of its left leg) till it reached the walk by the
peaches; and there sometimes it would sit, gravely watching its master's
deambulations, sometimes stroll by his side, and, at all events, never
leave him till, at his return home, he fed it with his own hands; and,
quacking her peaceful adieus, the nymph then retired to her natural
element.
With the exception of my mother's favorite morning-room, the principal
sitting-rooms--that is, the study, the diningroom, and what was
emphatically called "the best drawing-room," which was only occupied on
great occasions--looked south. Tall beeches, firs, poplars, and a few
oaks backed the house, and indeed surrounded it on all sides but the
south; so that it was well sheltered from the winter cold and the summer
heat. Our principal domestic, in dignity and station, was Mrs.
Primmins, who was waiting gentlewoman, housekeeper, and tyrannical
dictatrix of the whole establishment. Two other maids, a gardener, and
a footman, composed the rest of the serving household. Save a few
pasture-fields, which he let, my father was not troubled with land. His
income was derived from the interest of about L15,000, partly in the
Three per Cents, partly on mortgage; and what with my mother and Mrs.
Primmins, this income always yielded enough to satisfy my father's
single hobby for books, pay for my education, and entertain our
neighbors, rarely indeed at dinner, but very often at tea. My dear
mother boasted that our society was very select. It consisted chiefly
of the clergyman and his family; two old maids who gave themselves great
airs; a gentleman who had been in the East India service, and who lived
in a large white house at the top of the hill; some half-a-dozen squires
and their wives and children; Mr. Squills, still a bachelor; and once a
year cards were exchanged--and dinners too--with certain aristocrats who
inspired my mother with a great deal of unnecessary awe, since she
declared they were the most good-natured, easy people in the world, and
always stuck their cards in the most conspicuous part of the looking-
glass frame over the chimney-piece of the best drawing-room. Thus you
perceive that our natural position was one highly creditable to us,
proving the soundness of our finances and the gentility of our
pedigree,--of which last more hereafter. At present I content myself
with saying on that head that even the proudest of the neighboring
squirearchs always spoke of us as a very ancient family. But all my
father ever said, to evince pride of ancestry, was in honor of William
Caxton, citizen and printer in the reign of Edward IV.,--Clarum et
venerabile nomen! an ancestor a man of letters might be justly vain of.
"Heus," said my father, stopping short, and lifting his eyes from the
Colloquies of Erasmus, "salve multum, jucundissime."
Uncle Jack was not much of a scholar, but he knew enough Latin to
answer, "Salve tantundem, mi frater."
My father smiled approvingly. "I see you comprehend true urbanity, or
politeness, as we phrase it. There is an elegance in addressing the
husband of your sister as brother. Erasmus commends it in his opening
chapter, under the head of Salutandi formuloe. And indeed," added my
father, thoughtfully, "there is no great difference between politeness
and affection. My author here observes that it is polite to express
salutation in certain minor distresses of nature. One should salute a
gentleman in yawning, salute him in hiccuping, salute him in sneezing,
salute him in coughing,--and that evidently because of your interest in
his health; for he may dislocate his jaw in yawning, and the hiccup is
often a symptom of grave disorder, and sneezing is perilous to the small
blood-vessels of the head, and coughing is either a tracheal, bronchial,
pulmonary, or ganglionic affection."
"Very true. The Turks always salute in sneezing, and they are a
remarkably polite people," said Uncle Jack. "But, my dear brother, I
was just looking with admiration at these apple-trees of yours. I never
saw finer. I am a great judge of apples. I find, in talking with my
sister, that you make very little profit by them. That's a pity. One
might establish a cider orchard in this county. You can take your own
fields in hand; you can hire more, so as to make the whole, say a
hundred acres. You can plant a very extensive apple-orchard on a grand
scale. I have just run through the calculations; they are quite
startling. Take 40 trees per acre--that's the proper average--at 1s.
6d. per tree; 4,000 trees for 100 acres, L300; labor of digging,
trenching, say L10 an acre,--total for 100 acres, L1,000. Pave the
bottoms of the holes to prevent the tap-root striking down into the bad
soil,--oh! I am very close and careful you see, in all minutiae; always
was,--pave 'em with rubbish and stones, 6d. a hole; that for 4,000
trees the 100 acres is L100. Add the rent of the land, at 30s. an
acre,--L150. And how stands the total?" Here Uncle Jack proceeded
rapidly ticking off the items with his fingers:--
"Trees ........... 300
Labor ........... 1,000
Paving holes .... 100
Rent ............ 150
____
Total ....... L1,550
"That's your expense. Mark! Now to the profit. Orchards in Kent realize
L100 an acre, some even L150; but let's be moderate, say only L50 an
acre, and your gross profit per year, from a capital of L1,550, will be
L5,000,--L5,000 a-year. Think of that, brother Caxton! Deduct 10 per
cent, or L500 a-year, for gardeners' wages, manure, etc., and the net
product is L4,500. Your fortune's made, man,--it is made; I wish you
joy!" And Uncle Jack rubbed his hands.
"Bless me, father," said eagerly the young Pisistratus, who had
swallowed with ravished ears every syllable and figure of this inviting
calculation, "why, we should be as rich as Squire Rollick; and then, you
know, sir, you could keep a pack of fox-hounds."
"And buy a large library," added Uncle Jack, with more subtle knowledge
of human nature as to its appropriate temptations. "There's my friend
the archbishop's collection to be sold."
Slowly recovering his breath, my father gently turned his eyes from one
to the other; and then, laying his left hand on my head, while with the
right he held up Erasmus rebukingly to Uncle Jack, said,--
"See how easily you can sow covetousness and avidity in the youthful
mind. Ah, brother!"
"You are too severe, sir. See how the dear boy hangs his head! Fie!
natural enthusiasm of his years,--'gay hope by fancy fed,' as the poet
says. Why, for that fine boy's sake you ought not to lose so certain an
occasion of wealth, I may say, untold. For observe, you will form a
nursery of crabs; each year you go on grafting and enlarging your
plantation, renting,--nay, why not buying, more land? Gad, sir! in
twenty years you might cover half the county; but say you stop short at
2,000 acres, why the net profit is L90,000 a-year. A duke's income,--a
duke's; and going a-begging, as I may say."
"But stop," said I, modestly; "the trees don't grow in a year. I know
when our last apple-tree was planted--it is five years ago--it was then
three years old, and it only bore one half-bushel last autumn."
"What an intelligent lad it is! Good head there. Oh, he'll do credit
to his great fortune, brother," said Uncle Jack, approvingly. "True, my
boy. But in the mean while we could fill the ground, as they do in
Kent, with gooseberries and currants, or onions and cabbages.
Nevertheless, considering we are not great capitalists, I am afraid we
must give up a share of our profits to diminish our outlay. So harkye,
Pisistratus--look at him, brother, simple as he stands there, I think he
is born with a silver spoon in his mouth--harkye, now to the mysteries
of speculation. Your father shall quietly buy the land, and then,
presto! we will issue a prospectus and start a company. Associations
can wait five years for a return. Every year, meanwhile, increases the
value of the shares. Your father takes, we say, fifty shares at L50
each, paying only an instalment of L2 a share. He sells 35 shares at
cent per cent. He keeps the remaining 15, and his fortune's made all
the same; only it is not quite so large as if he had kept the whole
concern in his own hands. What say you now, brother Caxton? Visne
edere pomum? as we used to say at school."
"I don't want a shilling more than I have got," said my father,
resolutely. "My wife would not love me better; my food would not
nourish me more; my boy would not, in all probability, be half so hardy,
or a tenth part so industrious; and--"
"But," interrupted Uncle Jack, pertinaciously, and reserving his grand
argument for the last, "the good you would confer on the community; the
progress given to the natural productions of your country; the wholesome
beverage of cider brought within cheap reach of the laboring classes.
If it was only for your sake, should I have urged this question? Should
I now? Is it in my character? But for the sake of the public! mankind!
of our fellow-creatures! Why, sir, England could not get on if
gentlemen like you had not a little philanthropy and speculation."
"Papoe!" exclaimed my father; "to think that England can't get on
without turning Austin Caxton into an apple-merchant! My dear Jack,
listen. You remind me of a colloquy in this book,--wait a bit, here it
is, 'Pamphagus and Cocles.' Cocles recognizes his friend, who had been
absent for many years, by his eminent and remarkable nose. Pamphagus
says, rather irritably, that he is not ashamed of his nose. 'Ashamed of
it! no, indeed,' says Cocles; 'I never saw a nose that could be put to
so many uses!' 'Ha!' says Pamphagus (whose curiosity is aroused),
'uses! what uses?' Whereon (lepidissime frater!) Cocles, with eloquence
as rapid as yours, runs on with a countless list of the uses to which so
vast a development of the organ can be applied. 'If the cellar was
deep, it could sniff up the wine like an elephant's trunk; if the
bellows were missing, it could blow the fire; if the lamp was too
glaring, it could suffice for a shade; it would serve as a speaking-
trumpet to a herald; it could sound a signal of battle in the field; it
would do for a wedge in wood-cutting, a spade for digging, a scythe for
mowing, an anchor in sailing,'--till Painphagus cries out, 'Lucky dog
that I am! and I never knew before what a useful piece of furniture I
carried about with me.'" My father paused and strove to whistle; but
that effort of harmony failed him, and he added, smiling, "So much for
my apple-trees, brother John. Leave them to their natural destination
of filling tarts and dumplings."
Uncle Jack looked a little discomposed for a moment; but he then laughed
with his usual heartiness, and saw that he had not yet got to my
father's blind side. I confess that my revered parent rose in my
estimation after that conference; and I began to see that a man may not
be quite without common sense, though he is a scholar. Indeed, whether
it was that Uncle Jack's visit acted as a gentle stimulant to his
relaxed faculties, or that I, now grown older and wiser, began to see
his character more clearly, I date from those summer holidays the
commencement of that familiar and endearing intimacy which ever after
existed between my father and myself. Often I deserted the more
extensive rambles of Uncle Jack, or the greater allurements of a
cricket-match in the village, or a day's fishing in Squire Rollick's
preserves, for a quiet stroll with my father by the old peach wall,--
sometimes silent, indeed, and already musing over the future, while he
was busy with the past, but amply rewarded when, suspending his lecture,
he would pour forth hoards of varied learning, rendered amusing by his
quaint comments, and that Socratic satire which only fell short of wit
because it never passed into malice. At some moments, indeed, the vein
ran into eloquence; and with some fine heroic sentiment in his old
books, his stooping form rose erect, his eye flashed, and you saw that
he had not been originally formed and wholly meant for the obscure
seclusion in which his harmless days now wore contentedly away.
