/The Baron makes a speech to the National Assembly, and drives out
all the members--Routs the fishwomen and the National Guards--
Pursues the whole rout into a Church, where he defeats the
National Assembly, &c., with Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at
their head, and liberates Marie Antoinette and the Royal Family./
Passing through Switzerland on my return from India, I was informed
that several of the German nobility had been deprived of the honours
and immunities of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings of
the amiable Marie Antoinette, and swore to avenge every look that had
threatened her with insult. I went to the cavern of these
Anthropophagi, assembled to debate, and gracefully putting the hilt of
my sword to my lips--"I swear," cried I, "by the sacred cross of my
sword, that if you do not instantly reinstate your king and his
nobility, and your injured queen, I will cut the one half of you to
pieces."
On which the President, taking up a leaden inkstand, flung it at my
head. I stooped to avoid the blow, and rushing to the tribunal seized
the Speaker, who was fulminating against the Aristocrats, and taking
the creature by one leg, flung him at the President. I laid about me
most nobly, drove them all out of the house, and locking the doors put
the key in my pocket.
I then went to the poor king, and making my obeisance to him--"Sire,"
said I, "your enemies have all fled. I alone am the National Assembly
at present, and I shall register your edicts to recall the princes and
the nobility; and in future, if your majesty pleases, I will be your
Parliament and Council." He thanked me, and the amiable Marie
Antoinette, smiling, gave me her hand to kiss.
At that moment I perceived a party of the National Assembly, who had
rallied with the National Guards, and a vast procession of fishwomen,
advancing against me. I deposited their Majesties in a place of
safety, and with my drawn sword advanced against my foes. Three
hundred fishwomen, with bushes dressed with ribbons in their hands,
came hallooing and roaring against me like so many furies. I scorned
to defile my sword with their blood, but seized the first that came
up, and making her kneel down I knighted her with my sword, which so
terrified the rest that they all set up a frightful yell and ran away
as fast as they could for fear of being aristocrated by knighthood.
As to the National Guards and the rest of the Assembly, I soon put
them to flight; and having made prisoners of some of them, compelled
them to take down their national, and put the old royal cockade in its
place.
I then pursued the enemy to the top of a hill, where a most noble
edifice dazzled my sight; noble and sacred it was but now converted to
the vilest purposes, their monument /de grands hommes/, a Christian
church that these Saracens had perverted into abomination. I burst
open the doors, and entered sword in hand. Here I observed all the
National Assembly marching round a great altar erected to Voltaire;
there was his statue in triumph, and the fishwomen with garlands
decking it, and singing "Ca ira!" I could bear the sight no longer;
but rushed upon these pagans, and sacrificed them by dozens on the
spot. The members of the Assembly, and the fishwomen, continued to
invoke their great Voltaire, and all their masters in this monument
/de grands hommes/, imploring them to come down and succour them
against the Aristocrats and the sword of Munchausen. Their cries were
horrible, like the shrieks of witches and enchanters versed in magic
and the black art, while the thunder growled, and storms shook the
battlements, and Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub appeared, three
horrible spectres; one all meagre, mere skin and bone, and cadaverous,
seemed death, that hideous skeleton; it was Voltaire, and in his hand
were a lyre and a dagger. On the other side was Rousseau, with a
chalice of sweet poison in his hand, and between them was their father
Beelzebub!
I shuddered at the sight, and with all the enthusiasm of rage, horror,
and piety, rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton
Voltaire, and soon compelled him to renounce all the errors he had
advanced; and while he spoke the words, as if by magic charm, the
whole assembly shrieked, and the pandemonium began to tumble in
hideous ruin on their heads.
I returned in triumph to the palace, where the Queen rushed into my
arms, weeping tenderly. "Ah, thou flower of nobility," cried she,
"were all the nobles of France like thee, we should never have been
brought to this!"
I bade the lovely creature dry her eyes, and with the King and Dauphin
ascend my carriage, and drive post to Mont-Medi, as not an instant was
to be lost. They took my advice and drove away. I conveyed them within
a few miles of Mont-Medi, when the King, thanking me for my
assistance, hoped I would not trouble myself any farther, as he was
then, he presumed, out of danger; and the Queen also, with tears in
her eyes, thanked me on her knees, and presented the Dauphin for my
blessing. In short, I left the King eating a mutton chop. I advised
him not to delay, or he would certainly be taken, and setting spurs to
my horse, wished them a good evening, and returned to England. If the
King remained too long at table, and was taken, it was not my fault.
