ACT II.
SCENE 1. Before PAGE'S house
[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter.]
MRS. PAGE.
What! have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time
of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.
'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use
Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor.
You are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there's
sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's
more sympathy; you love sack, and so do I; would you
desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page
at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love
thee. I will not say, pity me: 'tis not a soldier-like phrase;
but I say, Love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might,
For thee to fight,
JOHN FALSTAFF.'
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world!
One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show
himself a young gallant. What an unweighed behaviour
hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with the devil's name!
out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner
assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!
What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth:--
Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament
for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him?
for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of
puddings.
[Enter MISTRESS FORD.]
MRS. FORD.
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
MRS. PAGE.
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look
very ill.
MRS. FORD.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to
the contrary.
MRS. PAGE.
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
MRS. FORD.
Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to
the contrary. O, Mistress Page! give me some counsel.
MRS. PAGE.
What's the matter, woman?
MRS. FORD.
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect,
I could come to such honour!
MRS. PAGE.
Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What
is it?--Dispense with trifles;--what is it?
MRS. FORD.
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment
or so, I could be knighted.
MRS. PAGE.
What? thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights
will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy
gentry.
MRS. FORD.
We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive
how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's
liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women's
modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof
to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition
would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no
more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth
Psalm to the tune of 'Greensleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly,
ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I
think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till
the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease.
Did you ever hear the like?
MRS. PAGE.
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill
opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter; but let thine
inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he
hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
different names, sure, more, and these are of the second
edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not
what he puts into the press, when he would put us two: I
had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well,
I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste
man.
MRS. FORD.
Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the
very words. What doth he think of us?
MRS. PAGE.
Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to
wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like
one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he
know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would
never have boarded me in this fury.
MRS. FORD.
'Boarding' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
above deck.
MRS. PAGE.
So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never
to sea again. Let's be revenged on him; let's appoint him a
meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead
him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his
horses to mine host of the Garter.
MRS. FORD.
Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against
him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,
that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food
to his jealousy.
MRS. PAGE.
Why, look where he comes; and my good man
too: he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him
cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.
MRS. FORD.
You are the happier woman.
MRS. PAGE.
Let's consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.
[They retire.]
[Enter FORD, PISTOL, and PAGE and NYM.]
FORD.
Well, I hope it be not so.
PISTOL.
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife.
FORD.
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
PISTOL.
He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.
FORD.
Love my wife!
PISTOL.
With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels.--
O! odious is the name!
FORD.
What name, sir?
PISTOL.
The horn, I say. Farewell:
Take heed; have open eye, for thieves do foot by night;
Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym.
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
[Exit.]
FORD.
[Aside] I will be patient: I will find out this.
NYM.
[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour of
lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should
have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword,
and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife;
there's the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nym;
I speak, and I avouch 'tis true. My name is Nym, and
Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour
of bread and cheese; and there's the humour of it. Adieu.
[Exit Nym.]
PAGE.
[Aside.] 'The humour of it,' quoth 'a! Here's a fellow
frights English out of his wits.
FORD.
I will seek out Falstaff.
PAGE.
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
FORD.
If I do find it: well.
PAGE.
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o'
the town commended him for a true man.
FORD.
'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
PAGE.
How now, Meg!
MRS. PAGE.
Whither go you, George?--Hark you.
MRS. FORD.
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
FORD.
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
MRS. FORD.
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now.
Will you go, Mistress Page?
MRS. PAGE.
Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George?
[Aside to MRS. FORD] Look who comes yonder: she shall
be our messenger to this paltry knight.
MRS. FORD.
[Aside to MRS. PAGE] Trust me, I thought on
her: she'll fit it.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.]
MRS. PAGE.
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
QUICKLY.
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
MRS. PAGE.
Go in with us and see; we'd have an hour's talk with you.
[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY.]
PAGE.
How now, Master Ford!
FORD.
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
PAGE.
Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
FORD.
Do you think there is truth in them?
PAGE.
Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it;
but these that accuse him in his intent towards our
wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now
they be out of service.
FORD.
Were they his men?
PAGE.
Marry, were they.
FORD.
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the
Garter?
PAGE.
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what
he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
FORD.
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to
turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would
have nothing 'lie on my head': I cannot be thus satisfied.
PAGE.
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes.
There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse
when he looks so merrily.
[Enter HOST and SHALLOW.]
How now, mine host!
HOST.
How now, bully-rook! Thou'rt a gentleman.
Cavaliero-justice, I say!
SHALLOW.
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with
us? We have sport in hand.
HOST.
Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
SHALLOW.
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
FORD.
Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.
HOST.
What say'st thou, my bully-rook?
[They go aside.]
SHALLOW.
[To PAGE.] Will you go with us to behold it? My
merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and,
I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe
me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you
what our sport shall be. [They converse apart.]
HOST.
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaliero.
FORD.
None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of burnt
sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is
Brook, only for a jest.
HOST.
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
said I well? and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry
knight. Will you go, mynheers?
SHALLOW. Have with you, mine host.
PAGE.
I have heard, the Frenchman hath good skill in his
rapier.
SHALLOW.
Tut, sir! I could have told you more. In these
times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here,
'tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would
have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
HOST.
Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?
PAGE.
Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight.
[Exeunt HOST, SHALLOW, and PAGE.]
FORD.
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on
his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so
easily. She was in his company at Page's house, and what
they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into
't; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her
honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour
well bestowed.
[Exit.]
SCENE 2. A room in the Garter Inn.
[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL.]
FALSTAFF.
I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL.
Why then, the world's mine oyster,
Which I with sword will open.
I will retort the sum in equipage.
FALSTAFF.
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good
friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow,
Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a
geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to
gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows;
and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan,
I took 't upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOL.
Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF.
Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I'll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me,
I am no gibbet for you: go: a short knife and a throng!--
to your manor of Picht-hatch! go. You'll not bear a letter
for me, you rogue!--you stand upon your honour!--Why,
thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to
keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding
mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge,
and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags,
your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and
your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour!
You will not do it, you!
PISTOL.
I do relent; what wouldst thou more of man?
[Enter ROBIN.]
ROBIN.
Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
FALSTAFF.
Let her approach.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.]
QUICKLY.
Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF.
Good morrow, good wife.
QUICKLY.
Not so, an't please your worship.
FALSTAFF.
Good maid, then.
QUICKLY.
I'll be sworn;
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF.
I do believe the swearer. What with me?
QUICKLY.
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFF.
Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
QUICKLY.
There is one Mistress Ford, sir,--I pray, come a little
nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with Master Doctor
Caius.
FALSTAFF.
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--
QUICKLY.
Your worship says very true;--I pray your worship
come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFF.
I warrant thee nobody hears--mine own people,
mine own people.
QUICKLY.
Are they so? God bless them, and make them his servants!
FALSTAFF.
Well: Mistress Ford, what of her?
QUICKLY.
Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord, Lord! your
worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of
us, I pray.
FALSTAFF.
Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford--
QUICKLY.
Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You
have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful:
the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor,
could never have brought her to such a canary; yet
there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with
their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after
letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly,--all musk, and so
rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant
terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the
fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and I
warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her.
I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I
defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the
way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all;
and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more,
pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
FALSTAFF.
But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.
QUICKLY.
Marry, she hath received your letter; for the
which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
to notify that her husband will be absence from his house
between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF.
Ten and eleven?
QUICKLY.
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see
the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her
husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads
an ill life with him; he's a very jealousy man; she leads a
very frampold life with him, good heart.
FALSTAFF.
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I
will not fail her.
QUICKLY.
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger
to your worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations
to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she's as
fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will
not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in
Windsor, whoe'er be the other; and she bade me tell your
worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she
hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so
dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! yes,
in truth.
FALSTAFF.
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
good parts aside, I have no other charms.
QUICKLY.
Blessing on your heart for 't!
FALSTAFF.
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
QUICKLY.
That were a jest indeed! They have not so little
grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page
would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves:
her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page;
and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will,
say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she
list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she
deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she
is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
FALSTAFF.
Why, I will.
QUICKLY.
Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come
and go between you both; and in any case have a
nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy
never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that
children should know any wickedness: old folks, you
know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
FALSTAFF.
Fare thee well; commend me to them both.
There's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
this woman.--
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN.]
This news distracts me.
PISTOL.
This punk is one of Cupid's carriers;
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit.]
FALSTAFF.
Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look
after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money,
be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say
'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
[Enter BARDOLPH, with a cup of sack.]
BARDOLPH.
Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would
fain speak with you and be acquainted with you: and hath
sent your worship a moming's draught of sack.
FALSTAFF.
Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH.
Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF.
Call him in. [Exit BARDOLPH.] Such Brooks are
welcome to me, that o'erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress
Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to;
via!
[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised.]
FORD.
Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF.
And you, sir; would you speak with me?
FORD.
I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
you.
FALSTAFF.
You're welcome. What's your will?--Give us leave,
drawer.
[Exit BARDOLPH.]
FORD.
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name
is Brook.
FALSTAFF.
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you.
FORD.
Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I
must let you understand I think myself in better plight for
a lender than you are: the which hath something
embold'ned me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if
money go before, all ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF.
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
FORD.
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if
you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half,
for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFF.
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORD.
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
FALSTAFF.
Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be
your servant.
FORD.
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief with you,
and you have been a man long known to me, though I
had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted
with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein
I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but,
good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you
hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your
own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender.
FALSTAFF.
Very well, sir; proceed.
FORD.
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's
name is Ford.
FALSTAFF.
Well, sir.
FORD.
I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed
much on her; followed her with a doting observance;
engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion
that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not
only bought many presents to give her, but have given
largely to many to know what she would have given;
briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which
hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I
have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I
am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel;
that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath
taught me to say this,
Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.
FALSTAFF.
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FORD.
Never.
FALSTAFF.
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD.
Never.
FALSTAFF.
Of what quality was your love, then?
FORD.
Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so
that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where
erected it.
FALSTAFF.
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
FORD.
When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some
say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other
places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd
construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart
of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent
breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in
your place and person, generally allowed for your many
war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
FALSTAFF.
O, sir!
FORD.
Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it,
spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so
much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable
siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of
wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you
may as soon as any.
FALSTAFF.
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
FORD.
O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the
excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares
not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against.
Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand,
my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves;
I could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her
defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against
me. What say you to't, Sir John?
FALSTAFF.
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman,
you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
FORD.
O good sir!
FALSTAFF.
I say you shall.
FORD.
Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
FALSTAFF.
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall
want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own
appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant or
go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between
ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally
knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at
night; you shall know how I speed.
FORD.
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
FALSTAFF.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him
not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which
his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the
key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home.
FORD.
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
if you saw him.
FALSTAFF.
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will
stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel;
it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master
Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the
peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at
night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou,
Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold.
Come to me soon at night.
[Exit.]
FORD.
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident
jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed;
the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See
the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused,
my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall
not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the
adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me
this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer,
well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the names
of fiends. But Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself
hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust
his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming
with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my
cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to
walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then
she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what
they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break
their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my
jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect
my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page.
I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute
too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
[Exit.]
SCENE 3. A field near Windsor.
[Enter CAIUS and RUGBY.]
CAIUS.
Jack Rugby!
RUGBY.
Sir?
CAIUS.
Vat is de clock, Jack?
RUGBY.
'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to
meet.
CAIUS.
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has
pray his Pible vell dat he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby,
he is dead already, if he be come.
RUGBY.
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill
him if he came.
CAIUS.
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take
your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
RUGBY.
Alas, sir1 I cannot fence!
CAIUS.
Villany, take your rapier.
RUGBY.
Forbear; here's company.
[Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE.]
HOST.
Bless thee, bully doctor!
SHALLOW.
Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
PAGE.
Now, good Master Doctor!
SLENDER.
Give you good morrow, sir.
CAIUS.
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
HOST.
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse;
to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy
punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant.
Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha,
bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart
of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?
CAIUS.
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is
not show his face.
HOST.
Thou art a Castalion King Urinal! Hector of Greece,
my boy!
CAIUS.
I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or
seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
SHALLOW.
He is the wiser man, Master doctor: he is a curer
of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight,
you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true,
Master Page?
PAGE.
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter,
though now a man of peace.
SHALLOW.
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and
of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make
one. Though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen,
Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are
the sons of women, Master Page.
PAGE.
'Tis true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW.
It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor
Caius, I come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace;
you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh
hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You
must go with me, Master Doctor.
HOST.
Pardon, guest-justice.--A word, Monsieur Mockwater.
CAIUS.
Mock-vater! Vat is dat?
HOST.
Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
CAIUS.
By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman.--
Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears.
HOST.
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
CAIUS.
Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat?
HOST.
That is, he will make thee amends.
CAIUS.
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for,
by gar, me vill have it.
HOST.
And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
CAIUS.
Me tank you for dat.
HOST.
And, moreover, bully--but first: Master guest, and Master
Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to
Frogmore.
[Aside to them.]
PAGE.
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
HOST.
He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the
doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
SHALLOW.
We will do it.
PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER.
Adieu, good Master Doctor.
[Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER.]
CAIUS.
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-
an-ape to Anne Page.
HOST.
Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water
on thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore;
I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a
farm-house a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim! Said
I well?
CAIUS.
By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and
I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de
lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
HOST.
For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
Page: said I well?
CAIUS.
By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
HOST.
Let us wag, then.
CAIUS.
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[Exeunt.]
