CHAPTER XLIII
October 10th. - Mr. Huntingdon returned about three weeks ago. His
appearance, his demeanour and conversation, and my feelings with
regard to him, I shall not trouble myself to describe. The day
after his arrival, however, he surprised me by the announcement of
an intention to procure a governess for little Arthur: I told him
it was quite unnecessary, not to say ridiculous, at the present
season: I thought I was fully competent to the task of teaching
him myself - for some years to come, at least: the child's
education was the only pleasure and business of my life; and since
he had deprived me of every other occupation, he might surely leave
me that.
He said I was not fit to teach children, or to be with them: I had
already reduced the boy to little better than an automaton; I had
broken his fine spirit with my rigid severity; and I should freeze
all the sunshine out of his heart, and make him as gloomy an
ascetic as myself, if I had the handling of him much longer. And
poor Rachel, too, came in for her share of abuse, as usual; he
cannot endure Rachel, because he knows she has a proper
appreciation of him.
I calmly defended our several qualifications as nurse and
governess, and still resisted the proposed addition to our family;
but he cut me short by saying it was no use bothering about the
matter, for he had engaged a governess already, and she was coming
next week; so that all I had to do was to get things ready for her
reception. This was a rather startling piece of intelligence. I
ventured to inquire her name and address, by whom she had been
recommended, or how he had been led to make choice of her.
'She is a very estimable, pious young person,' said he; 'you
needn't be afraid. Her name is Myers, I believe; and she was
recommended to me by a respectable old dowager: a lady of high
repute in the religious world. I have not seen her myself, and
therefore cannot give you a particular account of her person and
conversation, and so forth; but, if the old lady's eulogies are
correct, you will find her to possess all desirable qualifications
for her position: an inordinate love of children among the rest.'
All this was gravely and quietly spoken, but there was a laughing
demon in his half-averted eye that boded no good, I imagined.
However, I thought of my asylum in -shire, and made no further
objections.
When Miss Myers arrived, I was not prepared to give her a very
cordial reception. Her appearance was not particularly calculated
to produce a favourable impression at first sight, nor did her
manners and subsequent conduct, in any degree, remove the prejudice
I had already conceived against her. Her attainments were limited,
her intellect noways above mediocrity. She had a fine voice, and
could sing like a nightingale, and accompany herself sufficiently
well on the piano; but these were her only accomplishments. There
was a look of guile and subtlety in her face, a sound of it in her
voice. She seemed afraid of me, and would start if I suddenly
approached her. In her behaviour she was respectful and
complaisant, even to servility: she attempted to flatter and fawn
upon me at first, but I soon checked that. Her fondness for her
little pupil was overstrained, and I was obliged to remonstrate
with her on the subject of over-indulgence and injudicious praise;
but she could not gain his heart. Her piety consisted in an
occasional heaving of sighs, and uplifting of eyes to the ceiling,
and the utterance of a few cant phrases. She told me she was a
clergyman's daughter, and had been left an orphan from her
childhood, but had had the good fortune to obtain a situation in a
very pious family; and then she spoke so gratefully of the kindness
she had experienced from its different members, that I reproached
myself for my uncharitable thoughts and unfriendly conduct, and
relented for a time, but not for long: my causes of dislike were
too rational, my suspicions too well founded for that; and I knew
it was my duty to watch and scrutinize till those suspicions were
either satisfactorily removed or confirmed.
I asked the name and residence of the kind and pious family. She
mentioned a common name, and an unknown and distant place of abode,
but told me they were now on the Continent, and their present
address was unknown to her. I never saw her speak much to Mr.
Huntingdon; but he would frequently look into the school-room to
see how little Arthur got on with his new companion, when I was not
there. In the evening, she sat with us in the drawing-room, and
would sing and play to amuse him or us, as she pretended, and was
very attentive to his wants, and watchful to anticipate them,
though she only talked to me; indeed, he was seldom in a condition
to be talked to. Had she been other than she was, I should have
felt her presence a great relief to come between us thus, except,
indeed, that I should have been thoroughly ashamed for any decent
person to see him as he often was.
I did not mention my suspicions to Rachel; but she, having
sojourned for half a century in this land of sin and sorrow, has
learned to be suspicious herself. She told me from the first she
was 'down of that new governess,' and I soon found she watched her
quite as narrowly as I did; and I was glad of it, for I longed to
know the truth: the atmosphere of Grassdale seemed to stifle me,
and I could only live by thinking of Wildfell Hall.
At last, one morning, she entered my chamber with such intelligence
that my resolution was taken before she had ceased to speak. While
she dressed me I explained to her my intentions and what assistance
I should require from her, and told her which of my things she was
to pack up, and what she was to leave behind for herself, as I had
no other means of recompensing her for this sudden dismissal after
her long and faithful service: a circumstance I most deeply
regretted, but could not avoid.
'And what will you do, Rachel?' said I; 'will you go home, or seek
another place?'
'I have no home, ma'am, but with you,' she replied; 'and if I leave
you I'll never go into place again as long as I live.'
'But I can't afford to live like a lady now,' returned I: 'I must
be my own maid and my child's nurse.'
'What signifies!' replied she, in some excitement. 'You'll want
somebody to clean and wash, and cook, won't you? I can do all
that; and never mind the wages: I've my bits o' savings yet, and
if you wouldn't take me I should have to find my own board and
lodging out of 'em somewhere, or else work among strangers: and
it's what I'm not used to: so you can please yourself, ma'am.'
Her voice quavered as she spoke, and the tears stood in her eyes.
'I should like it above all things, Rachel, and I'd give you such
wages as I could afford: such as I should give to any servant-of-
all-work I might employ: but don't you see I should be dragging
you down with me when you have done nothing to deserve it?'
'Oh, fiddle!' ejaculated she.
'And, besides, my future way of living will be so widely different
to the past: so different to all you have been accustomed to - '
'Do you think, ma'am, I can't bear what my missis can? surely I'm
not so proud and so dainty as that comes to; and my little master,
too, God bless him!'
'But I'm young, Rachel; I sha'n't mind it; and Arthur is young too:
it will be nothing to him.'
'Nor me either: I'm not so old but what I can stand hard fare and
hard work, if it's only to help and comfort them as I've loved like
my own bairns: for all I'm too old to bide the thoughts o' leaving
'em in trouble and danger, and going amongst strangers myself.'
'Then you sha'n't, Rachel!' cried I, embracing my faithful friend.
'We'll all go together, and you shall see how the new life suits
you.'
'Bless you, honey!' cried she, affectionately returning my embrace.
'Only let us get shut of this wicked house, and we'll do right
enough, you'll see.'
'So think I,' was my answer; and so that point was settled.
By that morning's post I despatched a few hasty lines to Frederick,
beseeching him to prepare my asylum for my immediate reception:
for I should probably come to claim it within a day after the
receipt of that note: and telling him, in few words, the cause of
my sudden resolution. I then wrote three letters of adieu: the
first to Esther Hargrave, in which I told her that I found it
impossible to stay any longer at Grassdale, or to leave my son
under his father's protection; and, as it was of the last
importance that our future abode should be unknown to him and his
acquaintance, I should disclose it to no one but my brother,
through the medium of whom I hoped still to correspond with my
friends. I then gave her his address, exhorted her to write
frequently, reiterated some of my former admonitions regarding her
own concerns, and bade her a fond farewell.
The second was to Milicent; much to the same effect, but a little
more confidential, as befitted our longer intimacy, and her greater
experience and better acquaintance with my circumstances.
The third was to my aunt: a much more difficult and painful
undertaking, and therefore I had left it to the last; but I must
give her some explanation of that extraordinary step I had taken:
and that quickly, for she and my uncle would no doubt hear of it
within a day or two after my disappearance, as it was probable that
Mr. Huntingdon would speedily apply to them to know what was become
of me. At last, however, I told her I was sensible of my error: I
did not complain of its punishment, and I was sorry to trouble my
friends with its consequences; but in duty to my son I must submit
no longer; it was absolutely necessary that he should be delivered
from his father's corrupting influence. I should not disclose my
place of refuge even to her, in order that she and my uncle might
be able, with truth, to deny all knowledge concerning it; but any
communications addressed to me under cover to my brother would be
certain to reach me. I hoped she and my uncle would pardon the
step I had taken, for if they knew all, I was sure they would not
blame me; and I trusted they would not afflict themselves on my
account, for if I could only reach my retreat in safety and keep it
unmolested, I should be very happy, but for the thoughts of them;
and should be quite contented to spend my life in obscurity,
devoting myself to the training up of my child, and teaching him to
avoid the errors of both his parents.
These things were done yesterday: I have given two whole days to
the preparation for our departure, that Frederick may have more
time to prepare the rooms, and Rachel to pack up the things: for
the latter task must be done with the utmost caution and secrecy,
and there is no one but me to assist her. I can help to get the
articles together, but I do not understand the art of stowing them
into the boxes, so as to take up the smallest possible space; and
there are her own things to do, as well as mine and Arthur's. I
can ill afford to leave anything behind, since I have no money,
except a few guineas in my purse; and besides, as Rachel observed,
whatever I left would most likely become the property of Miss
Myers, and I should not relish that.
But what trouble I have had throughout these two days, struggling
to appear calm and collected, to meet him and her as usual, when I
was obliged to meet them, and forcing myself to leave my little
Arthur in her hands for hours together! But I trust these trials
are over now: I have laid him in my bed for better security, and
never more, I trust, shall his innocent lips be defiled by their
contaminating kisses, or his young ears polluted by their words.
But shall we escape in safety? Oh, that the morning were come, and
we were on our way at least! This evening, when I had given Rachel
all the assistance I could, and had nothing left me but to wait,
and wish and tremble, I became so greatly agitated that I knew not
what to do. I went down to dinner, but I could not force myself to
eat. Mr. Huntingdon remarked the circumstance.
'What's to do with you now?' said he, when the removal of the
second course gave him time to look about him.
'I am not well,' I replied: 'I think I must lie down a little; you
won't miss me much?'
'Not the least: if you leave your chair, it'll do just as well -
better, a trifle,' he muttered, as I left the room, 'for I can
fancy somebody else fills it.'
'Somebody else may fill it to-morrow,' I thought, but did not say.
'There! I've seen the last of you, I hope,' I muttered, as I
closed the door upon him.
Rachel urged me to seek repose at once, to recruit my strength for
to-morrow's journey, as we must be gone before the dawn; but in my
present state of nervous excitement that was entirely out of the
question. It was equally out of the question to sit, or wander
about my room, counting the hours and the minutes between me and
the appointed time of action, straining my ears and trembling at
every sound, lest someone should discover and betray us after all.
I took up a book and tried to read: my eyes wandered over the
pages, but it was impossible to bind my thoughts to their contents.
Why not have recourse to the old expedient, and add this last event
to my chronicle? I opened its pages once more, and wrote the above
account - with difficulty, at first, but gradually my mind became
more calm and steady. Thus several hours have passed away: the
time is drawing near; and now my eyes feel heavy and my frame
exhausted. I will commend my cause to God, and then lie down and
gain an hour or two of sleep; and then! -
Little Arthur sleeps soundly. All the house is still: there can
be no one watching. The boxes were all corded by Benson, and
quietly conveyed down the back stairs after dusk, and sent away in
a cart to the M- coach-office. The name upon the cards was Mrs.
Graham, which appellation I mean henceforth to adopt. My mother's
maiden name was Graham, and therefore I fancy I have some claim to
it, and prefer it to any other, except my own, which I dare not
resume.
